So you don't think we'd have a fantasy inspired wedding

Counting

In exactly four months I will be changing my last name and marrying the man made from pure legend. I feel so grateful and honored to be side by side with my best friend, for he truly knows what a girl with my strange--ahem--standards needs.

I've seen a lot of posts with guides on how to treat a girl right. Take her to fancy dinners, surprise her with gifts and clothes and dates that break the bank. Tell her she's always right, do whatever she says, be submissive, stop playing video games and hanging out with your bros so you can dote upon her, etc. Girls have become accustomed to expecting men to treat them with materialistic affection and cliche acts, and they expect men to be complete sycophants to their every whim. 

Some girls just want a guy to watch an entire season of Battlestar Galactica in one day with them, or build Star Trek models, watch extended LOTR for the millionth time, or chop down trees in the forest to make a magical staff. There are some girls who like a guy that will play Dungeons and Dragons and make terrible jokes and play video games. The stuff that really matters.

 I like being in an equal partnership with my guy. Relationships are NOT give and take; relationships are all give--give everything, your love, your mind, your body--relationships need all the love and care each partner can offer. Relationships don't need jealousy, or lies, or selfishness, they just need lots of giving and caring.

Okay, I swear I'm not giving relationship advice because I have a terrible track record. But I've learned a few things through my mistakes, and I have a clearer vision on what's important and what is just plain stupid. 

I'll soon be embarking upon the journey to a new life. Ever since I was young I've wanted to move to a brand new place, have a new face and name, start afresh with a past that no one knew. I could be anyone I wanted. And now, well... funny how life plays tricks on you. 

BARACK OBAMA IS DOING AN AMA ON REDDIT RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS. HOW COOL IS THIS GUY.

Fantasy

I felt today needed an extra push of greatness, so here is a collection of some awe-some people and places in the fantasy realm. With these, I can get through anything.

Here is a good reason why I should start going to bed promptly at 8:00 p.m. I am extremely good all day: yogurt for breakfast, peanut butter sandwich and an apple for lunch, healthy snack of something like applesauce, carrots, and celery, and then a good protein-filled dinner.

Here is my typical afternoon snack. YUM. 

And then suddenly it's 7:00 and I MUST EAT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I consume about 4 pumpkin cookies, 2 glasses of chocolate milk, and sometimes a bowl of air-popped popcorn or a sleeve of crackers.  I just don't know how to keep myself satiated and it's quite an aggravating problem. I really don't crave junk food at all, but night hits and I crave everything that's full of starches and sugar and delicious. I know, this is the ultimate first-world problem, but really, having a fast metabolism kind of sucks--I have a really weak digestive system so I know that if I eat anything after dinner I'm going to feel like puking all night and the next morning. I understand that I'm probably not eating enough protein during the day...so I guess I must look deeper into this problem...

I really don't crave junk food that much anymore (and I mean real junk food). I don't eat fried foods unless it's fried zucchini patties or something of that sort. I don't like processed cakes and cookies, I don't eat bags of candy, sweet coffee drinks, french fries, etc. It makes me sick to think of eating anything sweet or fried before about three o' clock. I love the feeling of eating delicious, colorful, healthy food. I don't know how I got to be this way, but I'm glad I did. I'm sure people think I'm a party pooper or snob because I don't go out and binge eat at parties and stuff, but that's okay. I'd rather not spend the night throwing up or downing a bottle of peptobismol.

What from?

My legs have started to itch from lack of running--the kind of desperate yearn that ensues my time away from it. People who don't run will never comprehend the unfathomable love I have for the heart pounding, heavy breathing, lactic-acid producing act of chasing up and down hills in the early fog of morning.

I've been doing my Insanity videos since my schedule has been pretty strict; I don't like to run in the day here because 1) it gets really humid, and 2) the roads are so curvy that it makes it hard to be seen by oncoming cars. So unfortunately my running schedule has been pretty pathetic.

How funny my journey in discovering running has been. I was never a runner--the most I had run was some sprints in soccer. Freshman year I decided to be brave and join the cross-country team. I'm not sure why I did it. I think I wanted to be a runner, and I've always been the kind of person that says "you know, I want to be good at this", and I become good at it. Man, was I wrong (or so I thought). I sucked. I beyond sucked. I ran one race, and I didn't even run the whole thing. I was pathetic--so pathetic, in fact, that I ended up quitting/getting kicked off. I was so embarrassed at myself.

And so, in the spirit of the typical me, I decided to get good. I ran all of the time. I pushed myself, and I was determined; and the best part is I started to get healthy. I didn't even notice it while it was happening, suddenly I was getting fit and feeling good.

I got better. I joined cross-country again in my senior year of high school; and okay, I wasn't great, but I did run some good races and I had a blast doing it. Even my coaches noticed the difference. I could keep up with some of the big runners. It is still probably one of my favorite years I've had, and I owe it to the wonderful friends and coaches I had in that sport. I could run for miles and miles and it was beautiful.

That's what running is. Beautiful, exhilarating, passionate, vehement. Running is a deep ocean of never-ending highs; I swim in its waves, delving deep beneath the surface of  pain and heavy breathing. I don't know what it is, but I'm addicted. I love feeling the muscles in my legs get stronger and push harder. I love seeing my mile time go down. Most of all, I love being sweaty, tired, and sore. I love pushing myself to the point of pain--okay...So I'm pretty masochistic. (Edit: be safe about running. I got a little out of control and had some serious injuries. So take care of yourself. Train safe and smart).

I believe in pushing yourself further than you think you can. And yeah, it's hard. Yeah, it will hurt.  And you'll probably hate yourself, at least I did. "Why am I doing this? I hate running. My body sucks. My legs hurt. I'm breathing hard." But guess what, I love it, and I don't even feel my body while I'm running; as soon as I lace up my running shoes I become a separate entity, completely unaware of the pain in my body.

Some people run to let thoughts process and bounce around ideas. I run to stop thinking--I love disconnecting the bedlam of my mind and giving myself completely over to endorphins. Especially when I'm manic. For those of you who don't know, experiencing "mania" as a diagnosed Bipolar can be kind of crazy, and sometimes scary. Don't mind me running at a heart-pounding pace on the treadmill without realizing I'm still there. I sometimes throw up, but you know? I keep going, and my body is numb. I smile because I love it. I love running.

So what's stopping us? Youre not going to die. If you throw up, so what? Your mind stops you, not your heart. So run with your heart---run to the beat of your feet flying up those hills. Because you can!

One of my favorite stories of Bruce Lee:

Bruce had me up to three miles a day, really at a good pace. We’d run the three miles in twenty-one or twenty-tow minutes. Just under eight minutes a mile [Note: when running on his own in 1968, Lee would get his time down to six-and-a-half minutes per mile].

So this morning he said to me “We’re going to go five.”

I said, “Bruce, I can’t go five. I’m a helluva lot older than you are, and I can’t do five.”

He said, “When we get to three, we’ll shift gears and it’s only two more and you’ll do it.”

I said “Okay, hell, I’ll go for it.”

So we get to three, we go into the fourth mile and I’m okay for three or four minutes, and then I really begin to give out.

I’m tired, my heart’s pounding, I can’t go any more and so I say to him, “Bruce if I run any more,” — and we’re still running — “if I run any more I’m liable to have a heart attack and die.” He said, “Then die.” It made me so mad that I went the full five miles.

Afterward I went to the shower and then I wanted to talk to him about it. I said, you know, “Why did you say that?” He said, “Because you might as well be dead. Seriously, if you always put limits on what you can do, physical or anything else, it’ll spread over into the rest of your life. It’ll spread into your work, into your morality, into your entire being. There are no limits. There are plateaus, but you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you. A man must constantly exceed his level."

So what's keeping you from exceeding? This isn't really just about running, but in all things. If you don't constantly try to beat yourself or exceed your own personal echelon, what's the point of anything?

Anyway, I guess in a round-about way I'm trying to say I miss running. I need to get it out of my system tomorrow.  

Heavy

There are so many things on my mind right now, and my heart is heavy. I would hate for this blog to turn into a monologue of endless rants and complaints, but sometimes I just need to let my fingers flow and ignore what's coming out onto the screen.

First of all, RIP Neil Armstrong. I look up to you for your courage and your passion for adventuring, and you are truly an inspiration to the entire planet.

 What would it be like, to know another object in space so intimately; to walk on its curves and embrace its crevices as you stare down, mesmerized by the minute blue planet shining so ominously in the dark of space. You look down, and for a second you forget all of the pain, the heartache, the greed and horror of politics, the death and bloodshed our history has witnessed. You look down, and you see beauty--the cobalt blue of the sea, the swirling clouds that form our atmosphere--what a treasure. If only we could all view our planet the way Neil Armstrong did, immortalized; frozen in the relative time among the billions and billions of stars and galaxies. How beautiful life is. How beautiful it could be if we all could view Earth with the eyes of an adventurer, a globe suspended in darkness--the only (so far) shining unit that supports life. Life. 

I don't fear the world. I don't fear the people or the politicians or the military. I fear myself. I fear that I will never see the world without the glare of pessimism. How do I teach myself to look with the eyes of an adventurer? The world is not a terrible place. Once you take yourself out of the misery, it really glows with opportunity. We should all see the world, and ourselves, for the potential. I want brand new perspective, not skewed by some television show teaching me how to "Really live your life, which means stop giving a crap what people think and stop wearing makeup and bras  and only care about what you think about yourself". That is TERRIBLE advice. I seriously cannot punctuate that enough. Are you kidding? I care what other people think. That's all we are, a conglomeration of snippets we gain from others. We are everything put into one body.

I don't get my perspective or judgement from motivational books or television shows. I abhor people who base their self-worth on what a stupid book tells them to think. Girls that watch those self-help television shows where they interview celebrities on how they learned to love themselves--really? Really? Love what you can become. Not because of some stupid quote Marilyn Monroe said.

I love myself because I CREATED myself. After all of my terrible mistakes and actions I scraped the parts and built myself anew. I learn from the bad and take what is good. I finally like myself. Do you know how rare that is? I fake to no one, yet I still care greatly about what they think, and I am respectful. But I will never act a certain way to please anyone.

I once had someone say that they hated girls like me who "acted like guys". Do people really believe in gender-specific interests? Is that a thing? It's so nonsensical that people can judge another based on their interests and hobbies.  Besides, life is hard enough for all of us at it is--we all know that--yet, even with the knowledge that life sucks for everyone, we go out of our way to make it more difficult for those around us. We gossip, we're insincere, we poke fun and are sarcastic, we mock; but why? Why would we make life harder for someone--does it actually make us feel better to put others down?

I like me. I like that I'm a somewhat attractive girl who loves makeup and cute underwear but can kick peoples' asses on World of Warcraft, MTG, or regurgitating useless knowledge. I play D&D and "fit in with the guys" better than with girls. I like it that way, in my experience girls are catty and selfish. I'm more of a dude than I am a girl. But I still enjoy looking pretty. I don't care at all that a lot of "nerdy people" think I care too much about my looks, or that pretty girls think I "act too much like a guy". I made me. And I like me.

I like being weird, and I like being pretty. I like not caring what other people think I should be like. I have built myself from the skeletons of my past, and I look to a brighter future where I can brave the world with my chin up. Loving yourself is scary. 

Don't love yourself because of some quality you have, or something you're good at. If you pick a specific trait you think is special, your self-image is going to fluctuate; ie. me being good at art. Sure, I'm good at it fairly consistently, but am I going to hate myself if I put out a terrible painting? What if I base myself on how popular I am or how skinny I am? It's silly to build your happiness on some physical trait or talent. So, how can you find something solid to hold onto? Well, guess what, I'm still working on that. I like myself because I look back at who I was and I see a change. I see a happiness. And I worked for it. 

I want to look at myself like Earth from the moon. Free from all of the ugly and horror that really exists--not ignore it--but view it like a beautiful orb traveling in the darkness midst stars and nebulae and star stuff. I want to be an adventurer of myself, searching my own crevices and celebrating the new knowledge I discern in my journey. Build something new in myself, something I know to be good. I must forget my demons, build myself from the skeletons of the past. I want to see myself as a beautiful world free from flaws. Free from people trying to change me, trying to tell me how I should act and pretend I don't care what other people think. How to be beautiful by not caring about others. But I do care. I care about myself, and I care about others. 

Earth is beautiful. 

I made a double batch of pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies, and I plan on eating basically all of them. I watched a lot of Lord of the Rings today, painted more dice, and started on my new project: a big staff I made by cutting down a sapling--I plan on wood-burning the whole thing with elvish and mtg and skyrim stuff. Should be pretty neat when it's done. 

Pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies (single batch):

1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 egg
2 cups flour (I use 1 cup whole wheat and 1 cup regular)
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon milk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Mix the pumpkin, sugar, oil, egg in a large bowl. Combine the flour, baking powder, cinnamon in another bowl, and add dissolved mixture of baking soda and milk. Add in vanilla and chocolate chips and mix well. Bake at 375F for 10 minutes or until delicious looking. 

These will be spongy like a cake and orgasmic. Don't overcook them! They're supposed to be cakey! 

Pumpkin cookies are my go-to comfort food. And so perfect for autumn. 

Quinoa

Quinoa is a magical grain-like plant that is becoming more and more popular in the culinary world. What is this beauty of an ingredient? Although it looks similar to Cous Cous, it's actually a plant relative to beets and spinach, although it's used commonly as a gluten-free substance for cooking. What's interesting is that Quinoa is actually ranks with blueberries and broccoli on the list of superfoods; it has copious amounts of protein, fiber, and all nine amino acids. Oh, and it's delicious when cooked.

"For the folks leading an active lifestyle, you could hardly find a better food than quinoa. Complex carbohydrates like quinoa keep you feeling full longer and because they digest fairly slowly they provide energy and endurance for your hard working muscles. The high protein content of quinoa also makes it a superior muscle-building supplement."
-Queen of Quinoa 

It's pretty easy to cook as well--throw it in a rice cooker and treat it as you would white rice, or you can use it for recipes in a slow-cooker. Like most grains, Quinoa can be paired with just about anything and taste good. It adds a nice texture and a ton of high-fiber awesomeness.

Recipes:

Quinoa "Protein Bars"

Easy Quinoa Patties

Quinoa Spinach Bake

Cheesy Quinoa Bites

I'm going to buy bags and bags of this stuff so I can try out all of these recipes--and more!

Days off

There are many times when Ethan will work long days/have long classes while I have the day off. It gets pretty boring, so I'm learning to be super good at occupying myself (okay, so I've always been really good at it). Today I decided to paint my own Dungeons and Dragons dice set, but within a few hours I realized that this project would take me longer than one day. Thus, here is the beginning of my collection.

If you don't already know, Dungeons and Dragons is a table-top role playing game. A group of people sit around a table with a map, miniatures, and dice. One person is the DM, or the "Dungeon Master". This person's job is to create the game and guide the players through different scenarios. The other members create characters with unique stats and personalities and team up to fight different monsters and go on quests. The dice are used to roll for outcomes, chances to hit, order of initiative in battle, and skill checks. There are lots of different dice used--typical dice used are D20, D12, D10, D8, D6, D4. 

Anyway, I just thought I'd paint my own dice for if we get a D&D or Pathfinder group together. It's a fun project, anyway. 

In other news, I did two Insanity videos today. And watched a lot of Lost. I never watched that show when it was popular, because I hate hearing the circle-jerk of how much people love a certain show. I figured it was no good (irony...) It's actually amazingly good. I've been watching it pretty much nonstop. I'm usually ridiculously good at guessing the plot and ending of movies/tv shows, but this one definitely has me stumped. I have a few ideas, but I'm not willing to throw in my cards yet. (The other show is Battlestar Galactica--but I mean, really, who can guess the ending to that?)

Southern things

• I have come to realize that no one in the south knows what fry sauce is, and I am saddened by this.
• Driving through the back roads (which is all I ever do) is a lot like driving the Jeep in the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, except harder.
• Sweet tea here is infinitely better than anywhere else in the world.
• Living with big dogs is hard.
• People in the south eat a lot of baked goods.
• You get used to the humidity really fast.
• You never get used to the sound of cicadas, but you learn to like them.
• WTF are chiggers.
• It's really hard not to pick up an accent when you work with deep southern folk (not sure how Ethan avoided that one).
• People think that once they leave Idaho/Utah the heavy religious influence is left behind with it.
• WRONG.  Every street has at least 5 churches on it, and every commercial sign has a scripture on it.
• It's always green, and it always rains.

I belong here

130 days and counting

My engagement pictures are finally here and I absolutely love them. I had them taken by the wonderful and talented Jennifer Ashby. She will also be taking all of my wedding and bridal shots. Not only have I known Jennifer through her daughter for many years, but I've always loved and admired her art. I knew immediately that I wanted her to be my photographer because she has amazing style and really listens to the concerns and input from her clients. I was pretty straightforward in what I wanted--I didn't want that quirky new-age style that involves throwing paint on each other, balloons,  weird poses, etc. You'd think I would want that kind of eclectic portrayal of Ethan and my relationship, but with my wedding I want things pretty formal and elegant (hahahahahaha yeah right). I'm so happy with the result of these photos. If you're ever in Boise and need pictures taken, contact Jennifer, she's absolutely amazing.

Here is a preview of a few of my photos. You should definitely go to her website and check out the rest of her portfolio.

I do not own the rights to these pictures yet. These are just previews before the finished copy. I am so thrilled with how these pictures have turned out, and I support her photography business and definitely recommend having her capture your special moments!