Mean

Looking back lately I've come to realize how negative I've been--and slightly mean. I've thought some nasty things and somehow let it verbalize aloud. Alas, in my stressful circumstances I've lashed out to people I love and on this blog; I guess when you don't realize people are actually reading what you're saying it makes it easy to take online journaling a little too far. I hate being stressed out about school and life and the future. Sometimes I'm hurtful, and I'm really sorry for it. I thought I had moved past being an apathetic writer, disassociated from the thoughts and feelings of society, but I must realize that I'm always here in the thick of it. Everything I do is an example, and thus will reflect either poorly or greatly upon myself. So, I'm going to stop being a little negative nancy and get my happiness back on the road.

I used this statement as a template of how I would treat others. Sometimes I forget, and that's a sad thing. We should never forget this. Life is hard enough for all of us, so why do we feel it's okay to put others down to make ourselves feel better?

I suck.

My stint away from the gym has proved to be devastating. I'm awful and out of shape and (ahem) kind of don't fit in a certain garment that is quintessential to my near future. Talk about making me feel good about myself. Go life. Okay. That's the end of my negativity for now.

Invitations

I'm posting this because A) I just discovered pic-stitch and wanted to make a really cute collage and B) My invitations and pictures are just way too beautiful not to.

As mentioned before, the wonderful and exuberant Jennifer Ashby took my engagement pictures and will be taking my wedding photos. Her work is so beautiful and candid, she made Ethan and me feel so special, and I can't wait for her to artistically capture the images of our special day. Obviously I really really like her. 

My invitations were of mine and my sister's own creation. I got too caught up with all of the crazy and eccentric invitations out there; too many flaps and folds and obscure picture angles. I finally decided to just do away with all the clutter and chincy and create elegant silver, white, and black invitations. I absolutely love them and wouldn't change them for anything fancier. I love how this classic style really captures the beauty of winter. Secret: we're using the White Tree of Gondor from LOTR as our wedding sigil. Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Today is the last day of stamping (350!) invitations and then they're out the door. December 29th is coming quickly!

Completed

Finally completed my dice set--I'm so glad it's over. You have to be very meticulous with such a minute surface to paint on. I'm happy with about...three of the dice. The other ones are pretty terrible, but I didn't have great paints to work with (and the others definitely have a harder angle to paint on). Anyway, I'm excited to start rolling these babies out on my next campaign. Hopefully they'll bring me luck or something.

The Last Night

Tonight is my last night here in Asheville, North Carolina; I will be returning to Idaho tomorrow in order to spend the holidays with my family and plan the best wedding ever. Unfortunately Ethan has to stay here until December 17th for school purposes. No matter my future destination, I will be completely grateful for the experiences and people I collected here. What a beautiful place it is here! I'm going to miss running through the Shire in the last beautiful glow of twilight. I'm going to miss the strangeness of Asheville and the wonderful nerd culture that so graciously accepted me.

However, I'm SO looking forward to the next few months; despite the terrifying bumps that must be flattened out, I'm thrilled about getting married, finding an apartment with my new husband, and starting a new school with a new life. If there's a stranger feeling than being absolutely terrified and anxious while also being ecstatic and antsy, let me know. Life is about to get a lot bigger with a Rebecca McWilliams in the world.

The weirdest concept to grasp is the fact that next time I see my best friend, I will be marrying him. What is weirder than that!? The last night together will be spent watching all three Lord of the Rings movies, playing video games, and eating candy. Our little tradition...AKA every day of our lives. It's so exhilarating how ready I am to be his wife. There is no doubt in the world. Of all the things that I am certain of, this definitely tops them all.

Haters Gonna Hate

Life's good. Made a lot of stupid mistakes lately regarding school and residency. Still okay for school next semester. Ate like a fat man today and it felt glorious. Wedding in a month. Marriage. Continue eating cookie dough and pizza. Won a contest and got a $25 giftcard to Shabby Apple

Haters Gonna Hate Me 

Elegy to a Man I Never Met

Six-feet under you lie in wait for the time

when ten naked toes will dabble graciously upon your tomb—

the green façade you so carefully masquerade behind.

I know, father, that somewhere beneath your wooden time-box

there is a man that grew to love a woman that grew

pregnant with the precious daughters you never met.

I know, father, that someday you will come to understand

how much you could have meant to me.

As the pictures of your graduation and the letters you wrote

fall flat into my fingers I think of the person you were and

I wish that somehow your treasures from Finland would allow me

to inhale the small whispers that you crooned in my ear

when I escaped from mother’s womb.

Oh what words must have been said! What beautiful lullabies

must have reached the shell of my ear  like some kind of memorandum,

lullabies that will never reach the deep grave you have dug in my heart with your absence.


I'm so grateful for a father that stepped up and became a wonderful inspiration to me. Although I'll never replace the man I never met, I'm so fortunate to have the best dad in the world to look up to. 

Haven't eaten in days

Some days I wish I wasn't the pretty girl. Some days I just want to be plain and homely.

You get what I'm saying?

My Angus, Please Stay

Learned a little about the background of the song MAPS. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, you never disappoint. Respect for real tears.

Some more Time Traveler pictures

Met a sweet girl named Sara who wanted to take lots of pictures with us (it's good to have a friend who likes to take pictures, I'm usually the one with a camera so there are never pictures of me :/).

Traveling through Time

Last night was Asheville Music Hall's Time Travelers' Masquerade Ball, something I had been looking forward to all week. It was a party basically celebrating going back in time via daylight savings. They had two live bands, The Extraordinary Contraptions and Sirius B (We didn't stick around long enough to hear the latter, but the former was absolutely brilliant. Never heard a style quite like theirs). Check them out for some cool tunes.

The overall party was definitely worth it. Most people were drinking and hanging out at the bar, but there were some brave individuals on the dance floor having a wonderful time. Me, being klutsy and awkward, did not dance. I love that I found a little community that loves to dress up and act like weirdos all night--I didn't get a picture, but someone dressed up (DeLorean included) as Doc. Brown from Back to the Future. People really go all out for these things.

I sewed up a bustle and manufactured a Steampunk outfit complete with enormous beautiful hair and the time turner from Harry Potter, while Ethan threw together a man from the Dust Bowl Era. Classy guy (I personally thought he was super unique, there were approximately a million Dr. Who's). I love seeing the creativity some people put into their costumes--every event brings a different crowd with different interests. There were the usuals, girls dressed up in slutty skirts and Ninja Turtle masks (why..?), but there were flapper girls, military uniform girls from the 50's, older women in true 1900's attire--overall very impressive.

The things in life

First of all, my heart goes out to the Sandy victims; although we got a heavy dosage of cold, wind, and snow, we didn't experience it even relatively close to the caliber that those in the North did. Much love to my friends, and my thoughts are going towards a swift recovery. I forget how fortunate I am to have a family that is constantly prepared for the worst. Although it's Idaho and we hardly ever get inclement weather, I feel much safer with my ten year food and water storage. This is a note to self: always have a vast food storage in case of emergency.

Halloween was sort of a letdown, in the respect that I sat at home, ate candy, and helped Ethan write an English paper. I did, however, get to wear my Captain Kirk dress to work, and I also put on my Janna outfit that night just for the fun of it. Guess I can always save it for next year! I am looking so forward to this weekend. I bought tickets for Ethan and I to attend a Time Traveler's Masquerade Ball Saturday night, and I've been working on a lovely Steampunk outfit. Now all I need is to find Ethan something to wear. I love being included in these fun activities, it feels wonderful to have friends that I can relate with, dress up in cosplay, and talk about lame things without being openly mocked. I'll take lots of pictures and update on the awesome night.

I'm having such a difficult time staying motivated lately. Motivation for exercising, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, being productive, the general important things in life. When you're so used to having constant motion and cyclical habits in your life it is very difficult to shift behavior when things are slow and settling. I work long hours and don't often feel like working out--my excuse being, "well, I walked a lot today and didn't eat very much, so I don't need to do Insanity" or "it's windy today, I don't want to run". These are very lame excuses, but after a few days it becomes easier to convince myself that they're acceptable.

Beyond my lack of motivation for exercising, life is wonderful. Every day I come home with the realization of how lucky I am to have found the partner that I did. I'm so glad I don't have a relationship based on drama, insecurity, jealousy, distrust, or self-importance. This is key, and it's unfortunate I did not learn it sooner. I have started viewing my relationships differently: the old adage is "you should learn to love yourself more than anyone else", which I used to believe and lived by. And what a selfish person that made me; I put my own interests and insecurities before those that I loved, and because I was so obsessed on my flaws and trying to better myself (in the hopes I would love myself) I was completely neglecting the needs of others. How can we focus on building lasting and loving relationships when we are so focused on ourselves? I believe the opposite: we should love others before ourselves, because only through external help and care can we truly find what we admire most in ourselves.

I love myself more now that I have someone to spend the rest of my life with than I ever have before. Although I know I still have many flaws, the positive attributes of my life have been resurrected by this wonderful person. It's funny how life works out. Loving others more than yourself is truly the only way to find inner peace. There is no other way. People will show and guide you to greater happiness--the right people will, at least. The more you love and guide these people, the more they will help you find your inner beauty and happiness.

Hextech Janna for you all.