PR!

Last Saturday I participated in one of my favorite events of the season: the annual YMCA Christmas Run. My family tries to do all the community marathons and races offered in the city, including the Great Potato Marathon, the New Years and Christmas runs, and the Big 5 Run. The Christmas run is a super easy jaunt through downtown Boise--just 2.5 miles (although there is a six mile run which my dad did, I chose not to because my knee has been acting all crazy again and I don't want to blow it for good). There are kids running and parents with strollers and dogs; it's not at all a serious run like the other races are. I'm very proud to say I beat my personal record during this run by about 3 minutes--and sure, relative to a lot of people I'm not very fast, but seeing the improvement of how far I have come since my first year of serious running makes me so happy. I also hadn't been running much in Asheville, so I'm glad I can still run fairly quickly. But honestly, I could have probably shaved off about 30 more seconds due to the horrible bottle-necking at the beginning of the race. There were like, people with dogs and kids at the front, so obviously as soon as we started running the dogs freaked out and attacked each other. About the first minute or so in these races are so slow, just because there are so many of us with such a thin line to start at, and it's pretty difficult to dodge through all of the people.

I absolutely love running. I may even stretch far enough to say that it is one of my favorite pastimes. It's wonderful to see how far you can push not only your body, but also your mind. People aren't lying when they say running is mostly mental and partially physical. It takes long, grueling practice and time  to find it, but once you cross that threshold you can let your body soar. I guess that's one of my strange traits--I really can't understand how people don't like or feel motivated to move and be active. The body is just so fascinating, and I find it hard to ignore exploring all the possibilities it has to offer. Feeling stronger every day, feeling faster and more challenged. Feeling the pulse in your veins so prominently  you feel drunk. I love feeling strong.

I'm proud of all of my family. Ethan, Lexi, and my dad all ran this year, and my dad placed second in his division. Go us!

Ahhhhh!

I haven't posted much lately, mainly because I'm getting married in less than TWO WEEKS and I'm absolutely swamped and stressed with too much to do. Something possessed me to think it was a good idea to make 400 caramel chocolate pretzels for Colette's holiday party, make my own centerpieces, create 100-200 snowflake fans for the reception, make another 400 pretzels for the reception, and also design/make my own wedding cake. The centerpieces will be the most glorious things ever, but unfortunately they take an excruciatingly long time to create, for I am very meticulous and picky about my arrangements. Things are coming together, though, and I can't believe it's happening. My love comes home tomorrow and we're going to play a lot of video games and then get down to serious business.

These snowflakes are actually really fun, although time consuming, to make. 

These were my first ones and they kind of look terrible. I got better. 

I may do a tutorial on how to create them when all the crazy is done. 

We're making a slideshow for the reception. Found this lovely little gem and thought I would share it. I think this is the most beautiful yet terrifying picture of me ever. Kind of sums up how I feel right now.

I guess here's a less terrifying one because why not, I was kind of cute once. 

One Ring to Rule them All

In light of The Hobbit coming out next week (!!!) I thought I'd share a sneak peek of Ethan's and my matching wedding bands: I introduce the One Ring! I love this ring because it's not a super conspicuous red flag that says "NERD ALERT". I think it's very elegant.

"One ring to rule them all,

one ring to find them,

one ring to bring them all

and in the darkness bind them."

I awake with you in the moonlight, your hands

draped across the pillow in a cool caress, my body splayed wantonly

in the depths of the covers

while the darkness sings us to sleep—

And every night

your cornucopia eyes drink in the splendor of my waist; 

wanting more than to sip the sinful seduction

that lies behind my eye-line and into my heart.

A heart that is forever cold. 

We are intoxicated—

drunk by the heavy liquor

of the night-time symphony sung under cover.

And for one moment

time is suspended,

the soaring of harmonies embellished by the soft lips on my brow

and the murmurs in the shell of my ear

bringing my heart to full climax

and I am settled.

I awake alone in the darkness, my naked hands feeling

the subtleties of your absence—

an absence which reeks of

hungover fantasies and pipedreams

that together we so carelessly explored.

Clumsily I dress myself, embarrassed by the light

mocking my attempts to eschew its brash judgment.

The symphony’s sirens come to a close as dawn draws the

reality of your absence back into my heart,

where it shall remain there forever, drunken

by its own unrequited passions.

Doing my best to be ferocious

If you need a hint as to what I want for Christmas

Mean

Looking back lately I've come to realize how negative I've been--and slightly mean. I've thought some nasty things and somehow let it verbalize aloud. Alas, in my stressful circumstances I've lashed out to people I love and on this blog; I guess when you don't realize people are actually reading what you're saying it makes it easy to take online journaling a little too far. I hate being stressed out about school and life and the future. Sometimes I'm hurtful, and I'm really sorry for it. I thought I had moved past being an apathetic writer, disassociated from the thoughts and feelings of society, but I must realize that I'm always here in the thick of it. Everything I do is an example, and thus will reflect either poorly or greatly upon myself. So, I'm going to stop being a little negative nancy and get my happiness back on the road.

I used this statement as a template of how I would treat others. Sometimes I forget, and that's a sad thing. We should never forget this. Life is hard enough for all of us, so why do we feel it's okay to put others down to make ourselves feel better?

I suck.

My stint away from the gym has proved to be devastating. I'm awful and out of shape and (ahem) kind of don't fit in a certain garment that is quintessential to my near future. Talk about making me feel good about myself. Go life. Okay. That's the end of my negativity for now.

Invitations

I'm posting this because A) I just discovered pic-stitch and wanted to make a really cute collage and B) My invitations and pictures are just way too beautiful not to.

As mentioned before, the wonderful and exuberant Jennifer Ashby took my engagement pictures and will be taking my wedding photos. Her work is so beautiful and candid, she made Ethan and me feel so special, and I can't wait for her to artistically capture the images of our special day. Obviously I really really like her. 

My invitations were of mine and my sister's own creation. I got too caught up with all of the crazy and eccentric invitations out there; too many flaps and folds and obscure picture angles. I finally decided to just do away with all the clutter and chincy and create elegant silver, white, and black invitations. I absolutely love them and wouldn't change them for anything fancier. I love how this classic style really captures the beauty of winter. Secret: we're using the White Tree of Gondor from LOTR as our wedding sigil. Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Today is the last day of stamping (350!) invitations and then they're out the door. December 29th is coming quickly!

Completed

Finally completed my dice set--I'm so glad it's over. You have to be very meticulous with such a minute surface to paint on. I'm happy with about...three of the dice. The other ones are pretty terrible, but I didn't have great paints to work with (and the others definitely have a harder angle to paint on). Anyway, I'm excited to start rolling these babies out on my next campaign. Hopefully they'll bring me luck or something.

The Last Night

Tonight is my last night here in Asheville, North Carolina; I will be returning to Idaho tomorrow in order to spend the holidays with my family and plan the best wedding ever. Unfortunately Ethan has to stay here until December 17th for school purposes. No matter my future destination, I will be completely grateful for the experiences and people I collected here. What a beautiful place it is here! I'm going to miss running through the Shire in the last beautiful glow of twilight. I'm going to miss the strangeness of Asheville and the wonderful nerd culture that so graciously accepted me.

However, I'm SO looking forward to the next few months; despite the terrifying bumps that must be flattened out, I'm thrilled about getting married, finding an apartment with my new husband, and starting a new school with a new life. If there's a stranger feeling than being absolutely terrified and anxious while also being ecstatic and antsy, let me know. Life is about to get a lot bigger with a Rebecca McWilliams in the world.

The weirdest concept to grasp is the fact that next time I see my best friend, I will be marrying him. What is weirder than that!? The last night together will be spent watching all three Lord of the Rings movies, playing video games, and eating candy. Our little tradition...AKA every day of our lives. It's so exhilarating how ready I am to be his wife. There is no doubt in the world. Of all the things that I am certain of, this definitely tops them all.

Haters Gonna Hate

Life's good. Made a lot of stupid mistakes lately regarding school and residency. Still okay for school next semester. Ate like a fat man today and it felt glorious. Wedding in a month. Marriage. Continue eating cookie dough and pizza. Won a contest and got a $25 giftcard to Shabby Apple

Haters Gonna Hate Me 

Elegy to a Man I Never Met

Six-feet under you lie in wait for the time

when ten naked toes will dabble graciously upon your tomb—

the green façade you so carefully masquerade behind.

I know, father, that somewhere beneath your wooden time-box

there is a man that grew to love a woman that grew

pregnant with the precious daughters you never met.

I know, father, that someday you will come to understand

how much you could have meant to me.

As the pictures of your graduation and the letters you wrote

fall flat into my fingers I think of the person you were and

I wish that somehow your treasures from Finland would allow me

to inhale the small whispers that you crooned in my ear

when I escaped from mother’s womb.

Oh what words must have been said! What beautiful lullabies

must have reached the shell of my ear  like some kind of memorandum,

lullabies that will never reach the deep grave you have dug in my heart with your absence.


I'm so grateful for a father that stepped up and became a wonderful inspiration to me. Although I'll never replace the man I never met, I'm so fortunate to have the best dad in the world to look up to. 

Haven't eaten in days

Some days I wish I wasn't the pretty girl. Some days I just want to be plain and homely.

You get what I'm saying?

My Angus, Please Stay

Learned a little about the background of the song MAPS. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, you never disappoint. Respect for real tears.

Some more Time Traveler pictures

Met a sweet girl named Sara who wanted to take lots of pictures with us (it's good to have a friend who likes to take pictures, I'm usually the one with a camera so there are never pictures of me :/).

Traveling through Time

Last night was Asheville Music Hall's Time Travelers' Masquerade Ball, something I had been looking forward to all week. It was a party basically celebrating going back in time via daylight savings. They had two live bands, The Extraordinary Contraptions and Sirius B (We didn't stick around long enough to hear the latter, but the former was absolutely brilliant. Never heard a style quite like theirs). Check them out for some cool tunes.

The overall party was definitely worth it. Most people were drinking and hanging out at the bar, but there were some brave individuals on the dance floor having a wonderful time. Me, being klutsy and awkward, did not dance. I love that I found a little community that loves to dress up and act like weirdos all night--I didn't get a picture, but someone dressed up (DeLorean included) as Doc. Brown from Back to the Future. People really go all out for these things.

I sewed up a bustle and manufactured a Steampunk outfit complete with enormous beautiful hair and the time turner from Harry Potter, while Ethan threw together a man from the Dust Bowl Era. Classy guy (I personally thought he was super unique, there were approximately a million Dr. Who's). I love seeing the creativity some people put into their costumes--every event brings a different crowd with different interests. There were the usuals, girls dressed up in slutty skirts and Ninja Turtle masks (why..?), but there were flapper girls, military uniform girls from the 50's, older women in true 1900's attire--overall very impressive.

The things in life

First of all, my heart goes out to the Sandy victims; although we got a heavy dosage of cold, wind, and snow, we didn't experience it even relatively close to the caliber that those in the North did. Much love to my friends, and my thoughts are going towards a swift recovery. I forget how fortunate I am to have a family that is constantly prepared for the worst. Although it's Idaho and we hardly ever get inclement weather, I feel much safer with my ten year food and water storage. This is a note to self: always have a vast food storage in case of emergency.

Halloween was sort of a letdown, in the respect that I sat at home, ate candy, and helped Ethan write an English paper. I did, however, get to wear my Captain Kirk dress to work, and I also put on my Janna outfit that night just for the fun of it. Guess I can always save it for next year! I am looking so forward to this weekend. I bought tickets for Ethan and I to attend a Time Traveler's Masquerade Ball Saturday night, and I've been working on a lovely Steampunk outfit. Now all I need is to find Ethan something to wear. I love being included in these fun activities, it feels wonderful to have friends that I can relate with, dress up in cosplay, and talk about lame things without being openly mocked. I'll take lots of pictures and update on the awesome night.

I'm having such a difficult time staying motivated lately. Motivation for exercising, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, being productive, the general important things in life. When you're so used to having constant motion and cyclical habits in your life it is very difficult to shift behavior when things are slow and settling. I work long hours and don't often feel like working out--my excuse being, "well, I walked a lot today and didn't eat very much, so I don't need to do Insanity" or "it's windy today, I don't want to run". These are very lame excuses, but after a few days it becomes easier to convince myself that they're acceptable.

Beyond my lack of motivation for exercising, life is wonderful. Every day I come home with the realization of how lucky I am to have found the partner that I did. I'm so glad I don't have a relationship based on drama, insecurity, jealousy, distrust, or self-importance. This is key, and it's unfortunate I did not learn it sooner. I have started viewing my relationships differently: the old adage is "you should learn to love yourself more than anyone else", which I used to believe and lived by. And what a selfish person that made me; I put my own interests and insecurities before those that I loved, and because I was so obsessed on my flaws and trying to better myself (in the hopes I would love myself) I was completely neglecting the needs of others. How can we focus on building lasting and loving relationships when we are so focused on ourselves? I believe the opposite: we should love others before ourselves, because only through external help and care can we truly find what we admire most in ourselves.

I love myself more now that I have someone to spend the rest of my life with than I ever have before. Although I know I still have many flaws, the positive attributes of my life have been resurrected by this wonderful person. It's funny how life works out. Loving others more than yourself is truly the only way to find inner peace. There is no other way. People will show and guide you to greater happiness--the right people will, at least. The more you love and guide these people, the more they will help you find your inner beauty and happiness.

Hextech Janna for you all.

Day off

I finally had a day off today. Absolutely exhausting week. Explored downtown Asheville on a crisp windy day all by myself, ate delicious gyros with a friend, and began some crafting for Halloween!

I took Ethan's old Captain Kirk uniform and altered it a bunch into a very cute dress. Unfortunately, I left out crucial shoulder lining so the arms are extremely constricting to the point where I probably need to rip out some seams and attempt to fix them. Overall I''m pretty excited about how it turned out. too bad I botched the arms.

Wintersun Time I is awesome you guys.
Waited almost a decade for this masterpiece. <3

Childhood

Dragons over Princesses

Once again I find myself sitting alone in my room, pondering the mysteries of Pokemon, Municipal Waste, life, and how much candy one can actually consume in a single sitting. I am also delving deep into an inquiry I have been chewing on for quite some time. And that is, well, why can't I be a super classy woman? Even more--why can't I have the desire to be a classy woman? All around me I see girls following the footsteps of idols such as Marilyn Monroe, Kate Middleton, Elizabeth Taylor...and some of those other classy ladies. Dapper young men swoon over the girls with proper manners and manicured nails and gleaming tans. Why can't I want that too? Often I feel like I'm obligated to want to have perfectly coiffed hair and wear sassy pencil skirts with stiletto heels; to wear dark red lipstick and dresses cut in the old style. People push and pull at women in a hard way, creating what I think is a lot of inner turmoil. Women are expected to be beautiful, classy, smart, but also play video games and sports and watch football and make food and pamper. In reality, however, we can really only choose a few of these characteristics. Some girls enjoy the more materialistic, beautiful lifestyle complete with red lipstick and hot rollers, and some girls choose fighting dragons in basements and eating candy.

Why am I not a classy girl? Because I can't love myself that way--I can't masquerade behind something I'm not. I love and admire the beautiful ones--the ones that scream Coco Chanel--but I can never be that. I'm too happy being weird and idolizing the realm of fantasy. I'd rather spend money on replica daggers and painting supplies than on shoes and pearls.

And suddenly I realize how happy I am about that. Right at this moment. I am so proud of girls who can find themselves in role models of elegance and grace, but I no longer look longingly at those who replicate the countenance of a 50's beauty queen barbie doll. I love being a girl who fights dragons and is content with casting spells in MTG, but also enjoys being pretty.

Being weird is a gift. Being beautiful is a gift. Although I will never be a classy, elegant woman, I will always have the gift of knowing who I am and finally being content with that. Never again will I be envious of something I'm not, because I know now I could never be happy that way.

 So lose the lipstick, the stockings, the diamonds, and give me some manga, a pair of running shoes, and a Frostmourne sword. 

This Year:

Hint for what's to come:

Craving evolution

Came across this rather interesting blog post the other day about the importance of never accepting your current position in life and keeping busy to better yourself as a person. I found it to be a very enlightening article about self-evolution.

Warning: really really strong language.

Being busy and not wasting time

First Comic Expo Experience

Today I awoke with the expectation of having a most relaxing Saturday due to the fact that I had no work today--draw, paint, play Lego Harry Potter game--but this was not to be. Chance be it, I opened Facebook to see a post for the Asheville Comic Expo today! I immediately dusted off my Silk Spectre costume and headed over.

 As luck would have it, Oktoberfest was being held this weekend in Asheville, so there was literally no movement in traffic and once I did finally find an available parking garage it was $10 flat rate for parking. Money was no concern today. This was my first Expo and I would enjoy it no matter what. 

The Expo was really neat; it wasn't too big, lots of people were dressed up and looking at booths and taking pictures everywhere. Walk over to a comic book vendor, immediately get asked by like, five people to have my picture taken with them. Okay! After many hours of having pictures taken, wandering around, offers to cosplay at other conventions, I decided to see what gaming was going on. Uhh...MTG Booster Draft. Never played it, but it was $13 and I got to keep the cards that I opened (from the new set Return to Ravnica). So, okay...me and seven guys. Cool. 

Sadly though, I didn't realize that draft took approximately 6784673 hours, therefore I missed the costume contest which I was really looking forward to. To make it even worse, I got completely destroyed in draft. After first round I was like "can I just go? Please?" So I played my two games and left. Got some more offers from people who were "going to get me in for free at the after party", bought a Doctor Strange book, got some more phone numbers from random dudes, and finally left.

Of course, being me, I got devastatingly lost going back to the parking garage. At the busiest time of day in the heart of downtown Asheville--and everyone was drunk. So I was lost, in my Silk Spectre outfit, as all these drunk people kept whistling and making comments and asking me millions of questions (I know I know, what was I expecting, right?). Anyway, finally made it back to my car, completely exhausted. I'm so grateful I got to experience this!

I guess the most valuable part of this experience was that I went by myself. No care was given, so I was half naked in front of hundreds of strangers? Who cares! Don't think twice about it. Own it. Keep a straight face when faced with drunken comments and whistles. I'm me. I don't care that I showed up alone at a convention when everyone else had a group of friends by their sides. I was awesome. Don't care that I lost draft. Own it. It took some courage, people. Really it did. 

Khaleesi

Rainy Day Cinnamon Rolls

Woke up to a crisp overcast Sunday morning--my absolute favorite kind of day. The ideal weather has no hint of afternoon sunshine or warmth, just beautiful clouds that envelope me in their grayish hue. It  also happens to be general conference weekend: a weekend held dear to my heart due to the fact that my mother would always make delicious home made cinnamon rolls for the occasion. So, in the spirit of my wonderful mommy I made my own cinnamon rolls--which are actually really difficult because I SUCK AT YEAST. I always kill my yeast. Anyway, here is my recipe for the most mouth-watering, fluffy, delicious cinnamon rolls you can imagine.

Warning: These are huge and gooey and magical. I can only eat about one or two before I've absolutely had enough; they are that good. 

Side-note: The original recipe was written down in an extremely confounding manner (which led to me adding an extra cup of sugar to the dough...) so I re-wrote it for easier deciphering.

INGREDIENTS

Rolls
3 1/2 c. Warm water
6 Tbsp. yeast
1 c. Oil
3/4 c. Sugar (for the dough)
3 beaten eggs
1 Tbsp. salt
10 1/2 c. Flour
2 cubes butter (but not for the dough. Don't put this in the dough.)
2 c. Sugar (NOT FOR THE DOUGH)
4 tsp. cinnamon
Non-stick spray
String or doubled thread

Frosting
Butter
Powdered sugar
Milk
Vanilla extract

*orange rinds/real orange juice optional

INSTRUCTIONS
Rolls
1. Mix water, yeast, oil, and 3/4 cup sugar together. Let stand for 15 min. 

     Note: Mix the yeast with bath-tub warm water. Not boiling, not luke warm. Bath-water. 

2. Add eggs, salt and flour. Mix well.
3. Sprinkle flour on clean countertop. Divide dough in half. Roll out to size and shape of large cookie baking sheet.
4. Mix 1 c. Sugar with 1-2 tsp. cinnamon in a small bowl. Spread 1 cube of butter on dough. (I used less) Sprinkle cinnamon mixture evenly over dough.
5. Roll up dough and pinch seam closed. Mark 12 sections with knife, then cut with string or doubled thread. This part is so fun. Place rolls on non-stick spray coated baking sheet. Don't bother trying to space them out, they will just mush together in a giant pile anyway.
6. Repeat butter smearing, cinnamon sprinkling, roll rolling and cutting steps with other half of dough.
7. Set oven to 400° and let rolls rise for 10 min. while oven is preheating (or until they look like they've risen enough. If you've killed your yeast they will be super flat). When oven is heated, bake for 15-20 min.
8. Let cool almost completely before frosting.

Frosting: 
1. Mix ingredients together to get the desired consistency (less milk and vanilla for thicker frosting, more milk for thinner frosting or more like icing). I like to make it really thin like a glaze. 

Also, when I split the dough into two halves, I used one part to make cinnamon rolls and the other part to make orange rolls. Just grate some of the rinds and squeeze some of the orange juice into the frosting. Soooo good. 

Anyway, these are the best cinnamon rolls ever. They turned out wonderfully, even though I accidentally added an extra cup of sugar to the dough. Perfect for a stay inside and cuddle cloudy day. 

Depth and Vanity

One of the most profound feelings in life is looking into a mirror and finally saying  aloud "Okay. I like this. I worked for this." And I mean this in both a very vain and a very inward aspect. How many of you look into the mirror and think that to yourself? You look in it everyday, but do you see? Do you care what you see?

I have worked so hard to become what I am--both mentally and physically, thus I feel I deserve the right to be a little vain...but y'know...humble too. Vainly humble over what I have achieved.

I'll be the one body-acceptance-hating person on Earth who doesn't think it's okay to say "I am enough. I don't need to change anything about myself. I'm perfect the way I am. Screw what other people think." This is such a sad way to view yourself---that it's okay to turn from what you could be just because it's intimidating to work hard in order to be better. This is not freedom. This is caging yourself in a deep fear masquerading as self-acceptance. This is a facade that society tells you it is okay to wear.

We are not enough--we are not perfect. There are always ways to grow and change and find potential both inside and out; it is not enough to be fat and slothful and think "well I'm smart so nothing else matters. I don't care about being in shape just because society tells me I should." What a turn-off.

How wonderful it is to care. It's incredibly rare to find people that care about the broader spectrum of living--those that go beyond their set limit of potential, the ones that don't need self-help books and inspirational little quotes expressing that they're a special snowflake that deserves a pat on the head. I mean the well grounded people; the ones that observe themselves in the mirror and know that there is something lacking in the reflection, that there is and always will be something lacking. These are the people that are the true explorers of themselves; they know the caverns and crevices of their body and soul well enough that they can mold and shape their very being to the way they desire.

Every time I return to the mirror I am reminded of My Personal Alice, staring back with those starry eyes, haunting me with a past of self-destruction. Fortunately I have come to realize who the real soul is and how to keep it to myself. I see clearly what I admire about myself and I also recognize the areas in which I need betterment. I especially encourage others to take a long hard look in the mirror (naked!) each day to break down that facade until the day you can really see yourself and think "Wow, that hard mental and physical work paid off." You'll see it, trust me. You'll know.

Find inspiration within yourself; you don't need books and quotes and lectures from celebrities telling you how to love yourself. You discover how to love yourself, no matter what that entails. Love yourself wholly, and never settle for"accepting" yourself. There is no acceptance in freedom. LOVE yourself.  No one needs an author to tell them that--we have that immense pool of unfathomable power and inspiration dwelling inside of our souls.

Never be intimidated by your reflection. Never tell yourself you are good enough. Never stop learning to be better and greater than you were before. Never stop loving yourself for who you can and will become.

Armed

I waited patiently for what I thought was a cute little Frostmourne replica key chain I had ordered off of the internet. What I expected was a small plastic figurine...

Instead they sent me a legitimate dagger. It's extremely sharp and could probably do some serious damage if I were to sit on it. How am I supposed to carry this around? Oh wait, it's me. I will definitely carry this around. I am in love with this beauty, and I feel awesome. 

I AM ACTUALLY THE HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE. 90 DAYS FROM THIS DAY I WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE AND WIFE.

LIFE IS WONDERFUL.  

Chin up

There's been a lot of messy things I've been thinking about lately, and it really all stemmed from an observation Ethan made about my eating habits. He was poking fun at the fact that I'm content with eating a quesadilla every single night for dinner; and I responded by saying I'm actually pretty content eating the same thing for every meal every day: yogurt or cereal for breakfast, celery and a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, snacks of apples or some fruit, and quesadilla for dinner (with obviously popcorn for after dinner). I like to think it's because I'm no longer a food driven person. My day doesn't really revolve around what I'm going to eat next (although at one time it did).

But, the more I thought about it, the more I asked myself "Am I really that boring? Has my life become such that I'm complacent to eat and do the same thing every day? Birth school work death?" It's unfathomably true. I miss the days of fullness and adventure that I once had--it's ironic that I lived in the same place my whole life and found many adventures and happiness, but when I moved across the country (thinking that I would find some huge adventure to explore and create a new identity) I've become really...insipid. It's embarrassing to admit that I'm no longer the vivacious bubbly girl I once was. I'm weird. I'm awkward. I go to work, school, come home, eat, practice or plan wedding stuff, watch Breaking Bad or play video games, workout, and then go to sleep. Repeat. 

What has become of me? Why has my insatiable desire for a full life suddenly run empty? 

I look too much into the past and now I'm sliding backwards. I was on top, shining brightly with so much potential and desire--so what's happened to it? Maybe I burned out from all of that energy. Maybe I've become so drugged that all of my exceptional ambition have been stomped out by heavy prescriptions. I can never have balance, can I? It must be crazy or dull. Ambitious or lazy. And sadly enough, I can't tell which I'd rather trade--sanity or effulgence. 

It's a fight between the selves, really. If you've ever read "The Inner Game of Music" by Barry Green (which everyone should, no matter if he or she is a musician), he talks a lot about the different "selves" which we all possess. The first self, "Self One", is our inner dialogue, our everyday voice that chatters incessantly about our downfalls, successes, decisions--basically everything you think to yourself is your "self one" directing you. It contains our concept about how things should or shouldn't be, or how things could have been.  Self  Two, on the other hand, is our "unthinking state"; this is the state of being that lives in the now, that knows its own potential and wants to be awakened. It contains our natural talents and abilities, and it is an unlimited resource that we can develop. How do you become aware of your Self Two without using Self One? Can we find freedom without using the chains that keep us from it? We must become aware of our unthinking state--this is the sensation we feel the minute we wake up, still slightly in our sleep cycle, or the unawareness we have when we are sick--and not kick it to the floor with the constant chatter in our minds...which I am constantly doing obviously. Self One is not just negative thinking, either. It is any praise, any criticism, any distraction from our current state of being. It is anything and everything that hinders us from our true potential--freedom from the mess that is ourselves. Self Two is the self that will give us inner peace. It won't direct or complain or change us. It lives and performs in the now. This is how we find peace within ourselves. Not from Self One. 

This is the heart of Taoism. If any of you knew me, I dabbled in Taoism for a while. I read the Tao te Ching and the books that accompanied it. I strove so hard to delve into the pages and find the meaning of why I was unhappy. I used too much of Self One trying to explore my Self Two. This was and is my bane. I think too much and try too hard to change my present state. 

And so here I am again. About to start another brave journey into myself to undercover the reasons for my unhappiness.  I want to find what is hindering my personal progress and what I can do to go beyond my self and into the realm of freedom. I want to be happy and positive, and it should be easy. It seems to come easy to others. I want to see myself for what I can become, not for what I was. I know I was great once. The true test is whether or not I can become that once again. 

Inhale. Exhale. Chin up. 

93 Days

Eeeep! Only 93 days until I'm married? What is this nonsense? I'm actually starting to get really freaked out---but not about the actual marriage part. I'm so glad that out of all the stresses and worries of a wedding I never ever have to doubt about marrying this guy. As long as I get married, the wedding has gone well.

Anyway, I have so many things left to do. Like...register for things, find bridesmaid dresses, send out invitations, find a cake, find suits,  find the music to be played, finish my dress, find centerpieces and decorations, plan food for the reception, talk to my officiator, finalize the guest list, find a groom's band...

To be honest, I feel like I haven't actually planned anything yet, and it's finally really really starting to stress me out. I try to knock something out each week but I feel like I'm going at a snail's pace, and I feel lost. I have a clear vision in mind, but it's hard to imagine what the finished product will look like.

But you know, I always knew I would never be one of those high maintenance brides that plans everything over a year in advance down to the smallest little detail like what color ribbon the flower girl will be wearing. I don't need big fabulous/impractical dresses for all my bridesmaids. Of course I want it beautifully done, but I just can't bring myself to go overboard. That's just not me.  It's one day. One day. It's a celebration of a union, that's it. Memories will last forever, but there's more to a marriage than one day. It's about promising to be happy together forever. And man am I happy with who I am marrying.

Really though, I'm freaking out. Under 100 days and I still have no idea what I'm going to do. Helpppp. Pleeeaaase.

Untitled

Waiting for sleep, I shut my eyes tightly to keep

the starry tears from floating away into the night,

upward into the darkness that envelops my restless senses.

I inhale, breathing in the crispness of my curse--

a method of the soul; a rich intake of

unquenchable wishes and miraculous destiny.

I drink it in, filled again with passions beyond fathom;

lustful and desirable like a Siren chained to her sins,

I exhale love-songs to enchant and ensnare, crooning to the heart,

beckoning to go into arms that will never hold requited love.

But like the falling sun I must return my splendor--gone is the starlight

dazzling ‘cross my face;

gone are the sprinkles of moonlight behind my eyes,

I am nothing—an empty shell with thistled and empty arms,

a heart that howls with unbridled passion.

I inhale, and the intoxication becomes me,

laced with the drunkenness of mania I stumble down the stairs

into madness.

Darkness.

I only wish to leave you,

forget you,

encounter dreams in which your presence is absent.

I yearn to be free from the 

 too-much

too-often,

and too-alive.

The truth of my existence.

I no longer miss the curves of desire that wrap around my naked being,

the ache of others to have my eyes sadistically turn them away.

I wish nothing more but to return to a clearer haven,

to flee from the horrors of my desolated caverns.

I must depart from the dreadful smile that shadows my every touch,

the one that captivates the world  but drives its owner mad,

for I know she will never let go.

I will begin a canvas with a softer stroke, a clearer

brush to dress the wounds. A portrait still untouched by darkness.

I have this journey in my hands—a palette with paint not yet muddled and torn by my own disaster.

And for the last time, I exhale you.

The actual best chocolate cake ever

I just made the best chocolate cake ever--and you'd be surprised about both what's in it and where I got it from.

The skeleton of this cake actually comes from the back of the unsweetened cocoa container. It's simple. However, my mother, the ingenuitive baker, added shredded zucchini to the recipe and it was delicious. I spent an entire summer one year making and decorating a million cupcakes, so I know my way around the market of taste.

So, here is my favorite favorite chocolate cake recipe. It totally breaks the laws of my healthiness but some days you need to crawl into your bell jar and eat cake.

Best chocolate and zucchini and jam and cream cheese cake

2 cups sugar
3/4 cups hershey's cocoa
1-3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1-1/2 tsp baking powder
1-1/2 tsp baking soda
2 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil**
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup boiling water
1/2 or 1 cup finely shredded zucchini (more zucchini=more moist)

**Because of the zucchini I reduce the oil to about 1/4 or 1/3 of a cup

Heat oven to 350 f, grease two 9-inch pans. Mix dry ingredients together, and then throw in the rest of the wet stuff, except the boiling water. Finely shred the zucchini and sit in a colander until all of the juices drain out. Once it is completely drained, mix it in and then add the boiling water and stir thoroughly. Pour into round pans and bake for 30 minutes.
After cooling the pans in the fridge (or freezer) for about 20 minutes, spread the top of one cake with your favorite jam (I suggest raspberry or strawberry). This will not only help the cake stick together, but makes it taste UNREAL. After you do this, stack the two cakes (with the one with jam on the bottom obviously). Then freeze until both cakes seem firm.

Frosting:

In reality, I make up my own frosting recipe. I'm a pretty decent frosting connoisseur so I know by taste what is good. So here's an approximation.

1/3 cup melted butter
3/4 cups hershey's cocoa
3+ cups powdered sugar (based upon which consistency you like)
1/3 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
LOTS OF CREAM CHEESE. TO TASTE. AND CONSISTENCY.

Melt butter, stir in cocoa, then alternate adding the sugar and milk. Next add vanilla. Then the cream cheese. Add more cream cheese and powdered sugar until you like the consistency. For this cake, I like the frosting to be firm but still fairly malleable. So...medium?

Apply the frosting to the cold cakes, use a flat utensil to spread on top and sides. The cream cheese will make this frosting the easiest thing to spread ever. Utilize it.
Chill cake in the fridge for about 20 minutes.

CONSUME ALL OF.

Wintersun is definitely coming on a US tour. I MUST go. I MUST. ABSOLUTELY.

-HAPPY HOBBIT DAY

Happy Birthday to the wonderful Bilbo and Frodo Baggins 

And Happy Hobbit Celebration Day to you all

Since I'm pretty much a hobbit anyway, I'll be spending the day eating seven meals, watching all three extended LOTR movies plus the 1977 version of The Hobbit and LOTR, drinking tea, and smoking fake pipes and drinking fake mead. I'll also be telling riddles and cooking up delicious hobbit food. Oh, my Hobbit Day will be fabulous, let me tell you. I'll even work on my magical elvish staff.  Well, okay, I'll do all of this after work and go grocery shopping and running, but it will be AWESOME. 

In true Bilbo form, here is a riddle for you:

It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,

Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.

It lies behind stars and under hills,

And empty holes it fills.

It comes first and follows after,

Ends life, kills laughter.

Answer below

Enjoy your inner hobbit and have a most happy day. 

Answer: Dark

Fitness Favorites

I love love love fitness apps, and I have...ahem...quite a few of them. Of course there is a lot of overlap with the various calorie-counter, exercise loggers, and distance determiners, but I find a use for all of them. In conclusion, here is list of my favorite health/fitness apps! And they're all free!

(I have an iPhone, but I'm pretty sure you can get these on anything?)

Weight and Calorie counters:

1. Lose It*
This is my daily go-to app. It's extremely simple: plug in your information, log your exercises, and    type in your daily meals for the day. It tells you roughly how many calories you need to eat daily to lose X lbs in X weeks. Cons: not a wide variety of food selection and limited exercise data. You can enter and create your own, but I'm lazy.

2. Fooducate
This is a really cute and thoroughly informative app that lets you browse from a zillion food products and even lets you scan the nutrition labels from your food! You pick a selected item from any of the categories and Fooducate gives them a "grade" based on nutrition; it gets really excited and !!!! when there's something really nutrient rich in it. It even tells you when there is tricky packaging afoot that leads to overeating. How great is that?
I absolutely absolutely absolutely love this app. It's soooo thorough in its explanations about fiber, vitamins, calcium, etc. Seriously, if you want to really keep track of what you're consuming I definitely recommend this. Cons: Not really any...

Running trackers:

3. FootPath
This is really just a simple GPS that tracks your time and distance of a run. I like it because of its simplicity, but there are better apps for running out there. Such as...

4. Runtastic
This is such a good app! There are so many amazing features to log your  runs throughout the world. (There are some extra features that cost, such as taking pictures during your run and geotagging them online). You can choose different cardio workouts and then track your time, distance, calories, elevation, etc. There's even a compass, a map, and a speed graph. You basically just tap through the first screen to change the view from mph to calories. (It took me longer than I'm willing to admit figuring that out). This one's great if you're serious about logging your miles and seeing progression. I really like it. Cons: difficult to use, it took me a few minutes to figure out all the gizmos and gadgets. So...that may take up some time from your workout.

Miscellaneous

5. Stress Check

This is really cool for those crazies like me out there--and I'm slightly obsessed with it. By placing your finger on the camera lens for a couple of minutes this app measures your current stress levels. The science: "analysis of the HRV requires heart pulse data to be measured continuously for a certain period of time. The more you use Stress Check, the better the app gets to know you and your heart". Anyway, it tracks your stress levels over a minute or two on a graph and lets you save it; you can then compare the graphs over a period of time and look for patterns of when you have the most highs and lows.  I constantly feel somewhat stressed out, so it's nice to see it physically on a screen--I think it helps me realize when I need to sit back and take some long, deep breaths. In conclusion, this app is really neat and addictive for the stressers in the world. I recommend doing it 2-3 times a day at a consistent time. Cons: Well, who knows how accurate it actually is. I like to believe it's fairly accurate.

    *Why aren't some of the more popular health apps on my list? Well, I've looked into a lot of them and I've come to realize I really don't like how they handle calorie counting. I'm actually pretty skeptical of all calorie counting apps. Why? Because they NEVER EVER take into consideration free foods. This is why I don't use MyFitnessPal. I used it for a while, but eventually got fed up with it. Oh, so you're on an allotted 1600 RDA? Too bad, because all of those fruits and vegetables you ate are going to count against you. Uhm....that's not how that works. You should eat basically half of your weight in vegetables every day (though fruit does contain a lot of natural sugar, so those should not be consumed as much). I plugged in a spinach and pure fruit smoothie and it's like "OH man you just ate 300 calories, you can't eat any more for breakfast."

   This is why even Weight Watchers is a better alternative--it tells you to eat as many fruits and vegetables as you want, and they don't count against you.

Also: If you want best results for your calorie-counting activities, I strongly recommend putting in your meals before you eat them. For example, early this morning I added "apple sauce, one egg, yogurt" even before I ate it. That way I felt I was accountable for sticking to it--it's much easier to stick to an already set plan than feel regret for something you ate after you plug it in.

My Personal Alice

Okay....so I was looking through my old portfolio trying to find inspiration for some new material I'm working on (edit: hope to be working on), and I came across this oddity. My senior year of high school I took an awesome creative writing class (props Mrs. Kaminsky) and forgot that I wrote this somewhat disturbing piece of literature. But hey, I guess this was my way of delving deeper into myself. I think this was my way of letting go of that childhood baggage and beginning anew. Reading back on this, I realize that this is no longer me--I no longer stare into a looking glass like one would stare into Wonderland. I'm definitely beyond this, and I'm glad.


          As my face peers into the looking glass my attention directs to the two large eye-lines peeking back. These are not the windows into my soul like the poets say, but instead they are indifferent (although not quite apathetic) and they raise questions in others as to whether or not I actually live in this accepted reality. They are wide and blank and blind but fairly comforting to me as I look into them. I see the shadow of twenty plus pounds recently shed from my skeleton, saggy and unused, cheeks hanging low like curtains.
          I do not see childhood in my face, although it is somewhat childlike; somehow the scar tissue in my brain has laid itself out like a map on my skin— opaque as to not let anyone in beneath its surface. The only remnant of my naivety is in my alien eyes, poking out behind the fragile surface and searching for a way to tear through reality; always wondering if what they see really exists or made up in some miraculous scheme.
        I dart away from the subject in the mirror—there is a reason artists avoid the self-portrait.
        My button nose, which caused me torment in my growing years, now sits pleasantly on my face. It nestles itself in between my cheeks for the long run, destined to bring me a lifetime youthfulness found in fantasy creatures.
        My other half (the half which resides in the looking glass) stares back unknowingly as its counterpart, the present resident of my mind, scrutinizes its every characteristic. Sometimes I wonder if the girl in the looking glass is who I am really meant to be, and I am here only as a pitiful shadow of its semblance. Am I the one masquerading behind the looking glass instead of she?
        I wish I could shake the looking glass, baring down on its form and begging it to tell me its secrets. I wish that the self looking back at me would drown itself in Alice’s Wonderland so I would no longer have to watch its foreign eyes dart about and point out not only my physical stress, but the mental madness which resides between the lines in my ever-changing figure.
        I walk away from the mirror, ready to delve into deeper pools of thought. My body is not meant to hang like a marionette being held by strings; it is a glove—a façade for my deeper soul and my concrete being. This mirror image is merely a glove for a more complex array of feelings. Simply the White Rabbit’s mitten.
       It’s odd peering back into that vacant eye-line. It screams and shakes the glass without lifting a finger; its face portrays more emotion than my quaking fists could ever muster. Why is so much time is spent mutilating and sculpting and prodding and poking this token of individuality? Does it really make a difference to the person staring back—or does it simply mock me in all my efforts to obtain perfection? Does it know that I have been trying to drown it in tears until it grows too big for the doorway out? Yes, certainly. I am eternally in the Wonderland of mirror-land, forever painting the roses of my lips red, forever peeling the skin from my face to find the person beneath. I believe that underneath my map of skin and lines and makeup I am nothing more than the reflection staring back. I am nothing but the Chesire cat, smiling sweetly from the looking glass below.

Things I love Sunday

Louis C.K

Cabin in the Woods

P90x Ab Ripper

Plunking out piano arrangements

Whole fruit smoothies

Early fall crispness

6:30am workdays

Payday

O thou Savior who wearest a crown

New perspectives on life

Well, gotta keep something interesting at work

Misinformed

I have come to realize that a lot of people are misinformed about Bipolar Disorder; they throw around the phrase "I'm so bipolar" as easily as they throw around "I'm so OCD". This really irks me, so I thought I would share this short interview with the great Stephen Fry on Manic Depression.

Something people don't understand is the control aspect of Bipolar. I hate when people say "stop being so negative, why are you so sad? Why can't you get over it? Why are you so angry/moody/etc?" It's not like most circumstances where you can just pick yourself and be happy again. Sometimes you just hurt, and you feel sick. Anger makes me feel nauseous, while happiness makes me feel jittery and out of control. These extremes are debilitating when dealing with people who don't understand the circumstances.


Although being bipolar has many many negative repercussions, there are also some positive qualities. Imagine being able to feel emotions with a greater threshold than anyone else. Yes, this means feeling anger, anxiety, and sadness more, but it also means feeling happier, extremely euphoric, etc. Feeling a wider range of emotions that most people will never get to experience is both thrilling and terrifying. You thrive off of emotions like one thrives off of mana. When you get creative, you really get creative. When you go running, you really go running; it's crazy because your mind and body will shut off until eventually you've completely strained your resources and collapse. Basically you do everything to the extreme. Nothing is mediocre. Oh, and you love more---seriously. You physically feel it. You actually feel your emotions.

Being in relationships is (was) hard. The inexplicable anger and frustration, sudden anxiety and sadness, and then instant euphoria and terrifying libido. All in one day? Every day? You better believe it. It's tiring to constantly feel everything at once; it's like having ten television sets turned in to different channels and trying to focus on only one sound. And I bet it's even more tiring having to deal with a partner who is constantly bouncing between depression and euphoria.

(Luckily I found an amazing guy who helps and understands what's going on with me; he knows my signs and how to keep me from spiraling).

There are some tips for those dealing with this: schedule, schedule, schedule. Form habits and stick with them. I am a routine person, I have my clear schedule and I fit very nicely into it. However, upon being thrown out of that regimen I go into sever anxiety and slowly spiral downward. I liked my schedule: wake up, exercise, eat breakfast, either work or school, practice, eat, relax, sleep. Unfortunately, going through a big life change kind of jumbled up my whole routine. Another tip: run or work out hard. Exercise is the best way to keep your mood stabilized. I'm so busy pushing my body to its full potential that I completely forget to think, and it's a really great feeling when you're so used to being trapped in your own mind.

In short, being moody and having a bad day is not being bipolar. Being scared of yourself is what it means to be manic depressive. It's being so terrified and uncertain about who you are and what you're capable of because of these emotions that are constantly in the way. A lot of relationships are ruined because of this, and it's hard to forgive yourself and feel like you deserve happiness. I guess I can't emphasize enough that it's scary--people don't seem to realize that being afraid of yourself exacerbates the whole emotionally challenged thing.  You feel constantly out-of-body, and being brought down to reality is hard.

So...uh...be nice to emotional people. Sometimes they can't control what they're feeling, and I guess like being drunk, they sometimes can't control what is being replicated on the outside.

We all deserve forgiveness and happiness no matter what happens. It's hard to remember that. But hey, we're all on this little journey of inner peace and stuff so we have time to work on it.

I hope this....is informative...or maybe it's just me rambling...