sonder

sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

(I always credit Shari for this one since I totally copied her in middle school)

Something I love

School is finally over.

The hardest semester of my educational career so far

...which is sad because I'm still in the lower level classes of my major.

I'm so exhausted, and I was empty.

But it's time to refuel! 

I LOVED this semester. Even with my 18 credits and lessons and orchestras

 I found time to do what I love.

My tutoring job was so eye-opening, even if it wasn't for very long.

I discovered how quickly I can love strangers,

and how quickly they return that love.

It made me realize that education is really what I want to do. What I need to do.

I loved my students. Or at least the consistent ones that really relied on me.

There was one Mexican woman that I loved to death.

I helped her write her papers a lot since her English was still shaky. 

We had so much fun, and she became a dear friend.

She even bought be a gorgeous necklace and earrings for my birthday.

:')

I was just so inspired by these students. They knew what they needed to do,

but it was difficult for them to get there. I enjoyed the experience of helping these people grasp concepts that their teachers neglected to teach them.

 I loved teaching Rosalba new words every day. 

Like exacerbate, quintessential, hue, wantonly, etc. She loved it. 

My classes were so inspiring, and I was giving so many opportunities

to express myself through writing and reading.

My human rights literature class was the most inspiring to me.

To be honest, I thought it was mainly going to focus on 

Black American history, which would have also been interesting,

but instead it focused on really current issues all over the world,

such as modern western colonialism in Pakistan,

Guantanamo Bay and Immigration,

and LGBT rights via The Laramie Project.

Ugh I love immersing myself into those kinds of reading. 

Well, any kind of reading I guess.

That paired with my upper Anthropology class really yielded some 

good material for my writing. I guess being in education is something I love

because it involves every aspect of learning. 

I  enjoy every subject, which is maybe why I had such a hard time choosing my major.

I just want to do it all, you know?

However, this summer I'm taking a big break from everything.

I need to refuel my emotions and my workload. 

I devoted a lot of my time to other people this semester

and it was really hard to focus on myself.

I did start drawing again.

I'm so jealous of people who say that playing music relaxes and calms them.

If you've ever heard me practice you know that I'm never relaxed when I play.

But I'm not that way with drawing. I love it. I breathe regularly, I feel no pressure.

Everything is shapes and shades, and it flows.

Flows out of me like air that I was meant to exhale. 

My goal is to complete one drawing/painting a week this summer,

but we'll see how that turns out when I get a job.

I can dream though. 

Food for Thought

Don't get me wrong. I love the new uplifting Dove Commercial featuring women's perceptions on their own beauty. It's a fantastic message and definitely a step in the right direction.

However, something felt off about it. I didn't know what it was, but then I saw this article and realized what it was. 

Why Dove's "Real Beauty Sketches" video makes me uncomfortable,

and kind of makes me angry

Within:

"At the end of the experiment, one of the featured participants shares what I find to be the most disturbing quote in the video and what Dove seems to think is the moral of the story as she reflects upon what she's learned, and how problematic it is that she hasn't been acknowledging her physical beauty: "It's troubling," she says as uplifting music swells in the background. "I should be more grateful of my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, the way we treat our children; it impacts everything. It couldn't be more critical to your happiness."

"Did you hear that, ladies? How beautiful you are affects everything--from your personal relationships to your career. It could not be more critical to your happiness!"

It's a little over-the-top on its suggestions, but I took it with a grain of salt. This commercial really affected me too, just like it did many others. I realize that I'm probably overly critical about how I see myself. And I realize that the message is more about how we view ourselves affects everything we do; but what I love this article is it the underlying message right on the head. Beauty is still the ruling factor in how we are treated. I like to think there are more important elements on how we see ourselves. 

Anyway, I think it's worth the read, just as food for thought. We are obviously all more beautiful than we realize, but is that still all that matters? 

Never Defeated

I know that the runners of the Boston Marathon bombings were not the direct targets for the attack, but it deeply affected me all the same. It's so crushing that such a beautiful, inspirational, and momentous event could be so brutally torn apart. An activity that I love and breathe for was completely desecrated. 

It's so strange that something like this has motivated me more than ever to become a better runner. I want to run longer for those who can no longer run, I want to run faster for those who finished the race and then immediately ran to the hospital to donate blood. 

I'm not going to say a lot about this event, because all the important things have already been said. It's easy to look at the horrors of the world and say "I've lost all faith", but honestly I think something like this is restoring my faith in it. The world came together for this. 90+ nations were being represented at this race. Thousands of people striving and working hard to achieve a goal they have dedicated their life to. If anything, this attack has made me want to achieve my goals even more.

I'm going to run hard from now on and never look back.

Animorphs on life

"I've always believed that to some extent you get to decide for yourself what your life will be like. You can either look at the world and say 'Oh, isn't it all so tragic, so grim, so awful.' Or you can look at the world and decide that it's mostly funny.

If you step back far enough from the details, everything gets funny. You say war is tragic. I say, isn't it crazy the way people will fight over nothing? People fight wars to control crappy little patches of empty desert, for crying out loud. It's like fighting over an empty soda can. It's not so much tragic as it is ridiculous. Asinine! Stupid!

You say, isn't it terrible about global warming? And I say, no, it's funny. We're going to bring on global warming because we ran too many leaky air conditioners? We used too much spray deodorant, so now we'll be doomed to sweat forever? That's not sad. That's irony."

-Marco, Animorphs #16

How does it feel?

Life has been to crazy to devote much time to my thoughts.

 I feel as though I'm in this constant state of pleasing others, and I'm ready for some me time.

Anyway, I was doing some research and came across this beautiful narrative on 

living with Bipolar II Disorder. There are very few descriptions I have heard that have accurately described how I feel. No one knows. People have no idea what it's like.

I swear, one more person says "OMG IM SO BIPOLAR TODAY" I'm going to commit murder.

I guess by reading and sharing this knowledge I'm helping myself. People NEED TO KNOW how to help people with mental disorders. 

This is honestly the most beautifully truthful and candid explanation of what it is like to live with true bipolar disorder.

Please read this, please understand, never judge. 

Article Here

Here's a synopsis in the author's words:

On depression:

 "And then there was the sadness. That inexplicable melancholy that sat on my chest from time to time. I’d be fine, nothing was wrong, and then out of nowhere, the tears would start and I couldn’t stop them. I had no reason to be sad, I was in elementary school"

On hypomania: 

"Let me explain "hypomania" for you. Remember the first time you were ever on a Ferris wheel? Remember when you got to the very top and kinda just sat there for a little while, the entire world at your feet. There was euphoria, excitement, you could see the entire world from where you were. You felt like you could touch the sky. Your entire body was tingling with this amazing sensation of joy and that good anxiety. You were giddy. Just fucking excited to be alive at that moment.

Now imagine feeling that every day for a week or a month or a few months, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no break. No "down". No rest. It's exhausting but it also makes every thing you do feel like THE BIGGEST  MOST AMAZING THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE IN YOUR LIFE!"

This isn't always the case with everyone. Some people rapid cycle, like me. I feel these things within the span of a day, constantly flipping back and forth. Every day. Every week. Every year. It's different every day, but there it is, waiting for me when I open my eyes. 

Please read, please support and encourage those around you. 

You never know what someone else is dealing with. 

That felt really good!

DIY Hair Bleaching

Several people have asked me how I got my near black hair to near platinum without completely ruining it, so I thought I'd give a little tutorial/advice on how it went down!

I'm still in the process of getting it more silvery and eliminating the brass, 

but here is generally how to pace yourself, keep it healthy,

and get rid of that orange color we all hate!

First of all, I take B Complex Vitamins every day. I've been doing this for years.

My hair is thick and strong and healthy and grows really fast, 

so my hair had pretty good protection before I even started. 

Most Important Thing Ever:

DO NOT. DO NOT. DO NOT DO THIS IN ONE DAY.

Seriously, you will fry your hair and it will fall out.

It took me over a month to get it where it is now, 

and even that may have been too soon

This is what I started with 

At first I wanted to color it a bluish and purple color, but being poor I decided to do it myself. I (stupidly) bought two boxes of Splat Color, Lusty Lilac and some Aqua color. It comes with bleach and 20 volume developer I think. It's very cheap bleach and I do not recommend it.

Nope. That's how you end up with this: 

Such an ugly orange color. But I trudged along and covered my head with aqua and purple, which resulted in this (which I actually liked) 

After about a week I lost that pretty color and it went into a muddy orange-purple mess,

so I decided to wait one week and go another step. 

Here's my process: 

Everything required to properly bleach your hair can be found at Sally's Beauty Supply. 

Here was my haul the first time:

L'Oreal Quick Blue Bleach (bucket size!)

40 and 20 Volume Developer (40 is SUPER strong)

Wella Color Charm Toner in Light Ash blonde (eliminates the brass)

  40 Volume Developer is incredibly strong, but my hair was so dark that I needed it. I followed the directions on the back and mixed it with the exact instructed amount of bleach, because it's really easy to fry your hair with 40 volume.

 When bleaching, divide hair into three sections on bottom and three on top. Most importantly, start bleaching from tips to root. Bleach works by heat, so in order to get a nice even tone, wait to do the roots until like, the last 15 minutes. I was under for about an hour+, which brought me to this color (it was a lot brassier in real life)

Usually at this stage people's hair gets fried, stretchy like bubble-gum, or falls out.

Mine was still in really good condition.

How? INVEST IN THIS. Seriously, it's a life saver. 

Also, I didn't wash my hair for about a week, and I didn't blowdry it at all.  

I waited one more week after my first bleach to do it again.

This time I used my 20 volume developer with the bleach and left it on for about an hour. 

At this point my hair started getting a little mushy, so I left deep conditioner in my hair all night.

I waited another week, taking good care to condition it and not blowdry it, 

and then bleached it again (for only about 30 minutes this time)

This color came out: 

Still kind of yellow, but it was definitely getting closer to my desired color.

And finally, waited two weeks and then bleached it one last time: 

This is the last bleach I'm willing to do. I started crying when I first came out of the shower because I thought all of my hair was falling out, and then I realized that hair naturally falls out in the shower when you haven't washed it in a while.

The little hairs on my neck are white and stretchy, so I'm worried about them falling out. I try not to even comb my hair when it's wet because it causes so much more breakage.

All in all, still healthy!

 How to go from brassy to blonde

 Toning hair is so important. I learned that the hard way. It eliminates brassiness. 

So I will be using the toner about once a month, and in-between I'm using Shimmer Lights purple shampoo which is the best thing ever. 

I've only used it once and my hair is already a more silvery color.

I'm taking very good care of my hair in preparation for the terrifying day when I have to touch up my roots (which is soon because my hair grows so fast).

Start and finish:

 Bleaching hair can be inexpensive, but it is so important to do lots of research and take good care of your hair. This took over a month and will require lots of maintenance, but I love it!

Two most important things:

Pace yourself. Do not rush the process or you will fry your hair.

Invest in DEEP CONDITIONERS, TONERS, AND SHIMMER LIGHTS SHAMPOO

Fluting!

Here's my newest piece that my friend Cassie commissioned for her senior recital poster.

I really enjoyed working on it, and hope that I can get more of this stuff out there!

Here's my original:

And here's her final product:

Anyway, I've decided to start doing more artwork and getting it out there.

I'm by no means "professional", I've never even had real training

But I sure enjoy it and love it with all of my heart

I'm going to be setting up a DeviantArt account this summer

Look for good things coming!

"Free" "Time"

Due to my husband's departure to Boise at 5:30 am this morning, I will be home alone for the next several days, meaning that I am in full control of the PS3, kitchen, bed, and floorspace for beadspriting. I can have all the solo time I want!

Hah, oh wait. That free time thing I don't have. 

I have officially entered the realm of impossible tasks; I literally (read: literally) have had no time to do anything besides homework, classes, practicing (barely), tutoring, and occasionally sleeping. Me sitting here, feverishly typing away, is the first time in an incredibly long time that I have had a moment to myself, and I'm actually skipping a class as we speak. I know I shouldn't complain--I'm the girl who loves to stack her life full of every single possible activity--but I guess this is the semester that I finally came to the realization that I physically can't do everything. I can't be the best at everything. I have to let some things go. Even though I am still excelling, I'm feeling my physical and mental abilities dwindling--on the days that I do get an hour or two of "free time", I'll head to the gym to eek out a heart-bursting workout to make up for the previous day I missed. Besides my evenings with Ethan, this is pretty much the only time of day where I feel completely serene and free. 

Bonus points! I've been PRing in all of my runs the past two weeks, and I've been trying to do at least four miles every day. I guess that's a good thing?

I love all of my classes, and I think that is my problem. It's just not enough for me to do well, I want to really make a difference in each one of my classes. I don't simply go to complete assignments and get a good grade. I want to immerse myself as deeply as possible in all of the subjects, for they are things that are directly applicable to my life, so why waste my time trying to slide by instead of blowing everyone else out of the water?

It's actually thrilling--trying to do everything. It's proving to the world that there are real superheroes: ones that can teach, perform, create, analyze, write, etc. I want to be all of these things. 

However, in my quest to be great at everything, I am coming to the realization that I can't keep this up. I have to unlearn learning. I have to realize that not everything is a top priority. I need to make a change.

So how does one prioritize when everything seems equally as important?

I tried something new out today. I had a big quiz on IPA consonant locations today, and instead of freaking out and crying because I didn't have enough time to study in-depth, I just didn't do it. I didn't try to study every waking second; instead, I read some articles online, listened to music, practiced my viola. 

And you know what? I rocked that quiz. Sure I glanced at the material and reviewed some notes, but instead of slamming my head against the wall in stressful agony, I filled the few minutes between classes with things that relaxed me. And I felt better. 

It's give and take. I'm slowly learning how to take, because between tutoring a million unresponsive and underdeveloped students, drawing commissions, practicing and playing for a million musical things, reading eight books for each class, preparing classroom lesson plans, cleaning the house constantly, helping friends with their dilemmas and trying to impress my teachers, I am feeling kind of neglected. 

I recently read an article for my elementary music methods class about how children should just be allowed to play during their free time. PLAY. With no purpose, no educational intent--just pure, free, playtime. It was studied that children who were allowed to just play games of their own imagination instead of the ones with a structured educational plan and purpose, learned so many important lessons on self-regulation, behavior, cognitive development, etc. It is immensely important that children are given "free time" to alleviate stress, regain attention, learn social skills, and develop better abstract thinking. 

Should this be any different than what we as adults do? I feel like we value productivity so much that those who really take advantage of "free time" are looked down upon as lazy or unmotivated. I do not believe this to be any kind of boon to our society. Adults, too, should be allowed to "play" with no educational purpose or practicality. If you wanna play video games, do it! If you want to read a book or write poetry or make bead sprites or sleep--do it!! 

So, starting after next week (the week of hell), I am going to set time aside for free time, even if it means sacrificing a few 100%s. This does not include: going to the gym, sleeping, eating, or cleaning. And honestly, I don't really want it to include computer either, unless it is involved with writing poetry (I'll be too tempted to finish that last assignment or paper).

I don't care if it's lazy or unproductive. I just want it to be free. 

Blondie

Some days I'm happy and other days I'm like SO THIS IS WHAT INSANITY IS

Paintings

My dad sent me this picture recently--the day before Ethan and I left for Pocatello to return to school I finished this painting of the Italian coast my dad had requested for his office. So happy with how it turned out!

I love my family and all of the opportunities they have given me to do wonderful things!

Hair: The beginning

Decided to change things up with my style. About every two years I get incredibly antsy about my hair and yearn to either chop it or color it like a rainbow--luckily, this time I chose the latter.

I went all in. Bleached my whole head. Tried to color it a pretty dark purple and blue, but instead my hair turned a strange pink and fuschia and teal mixture. Eventually I may go blonder, or completely red. I'm enjoying this.

At first I hated it, and then my lovely teacher, Dr. Cha, exclaimed that I looked like a "fairy".

Also, I realized that now I can look like a Final Fantasy character!

 

 

Out of Place

In addition to the millions of social development education classes, anthropology classes, english classes, and music classes, I am taking a methods class on incorporating music into the classroom. Surprise surprise it's all girls. Nothing like an all girls class to remind you have how strange and out of place you are.

We discuss the topic of childhood cognitive development a lot in that class, mainly how play and physical activity is important to individual growth.

Somehow video games got on the topic, and everyone was circle-jerking about how terrible video games are for children, and that the only ones that children should play are WiiSports and Just Dance games etc. Because video games 'lead to attention disorders, are bad for eyesight, and promote bad behavior'.

No. No. No. 

I'm sorry, but that's incorrect. It really irks me when people make judgements based on their own biases.

It has been stastically studied (even in surgeons!) that people who play video games have more developed fine motor skills, better critical thinking, better reaction time, are able to recognize patterns better, better eyesight (yes), and are able to better focus on multiple tasks and accomplish them more quickly.

This is not limited to playing educational games, either. Games like Skyrim, Portal, Fallout, Halo: they all rely on quick judgement in stressful situations, problem solving, and fast reaction times. Video games are not mindless, there is so much cognitive development going on, so much strategy and complexities that are really great in aiding brain development.

I just wanted to get this out. Video games were and are such a huge part of my life: my escape, my avatar, everything I wish I could be in real life.

Miraculous Destiny

Today I had my first elementary school observation, and even though I was only there for two hours I can already feel my eyes opening to the miraculous destiny ahead of me!

I can't even begin to express all of the emotions I am currently feeling towards these new opportunities in my life. What a change this year has been since the last--and I'm not just referring to my marital status. I am evolving, slowly capturing the essence of my potential and nurturing it into the structure of my life. I am becoming a strong force in the world again, pushing my way upstream through the swimming salmon.

This transition from music performance to education has been one of the most eye-opening experiences I have cultivated in my academic journey. I love music, don't get me wrong. I love playing and I love watching myself grow as a musician; but this is different. This is expanding every horizon of my mind and rewiring the structure of my being. I am now observing the most quintessential aspects of human nature--our cradles of cognitive and emotional development--and analyzing why we as humans grow the way we do. My goal is to observe and potentially capture the very essence of human nature--how fascinating is that? And it's not purely in the role that psychology plays, it is not prodding and poking at the human psyche to understand how we think, it is understanding the process of human development from cradle to cradle--the life cycle we all experience and what is affecting that progress. And not only that, but I get to impact this development; I get to nurture and provide encouragement and key emotional and educational needs, it's so thrilling!

My evolution (although just in its adolescence) has shown some...possibly negative...side effects already. I thought I had buried my overly-competitive spirit long ago, back when I was angry and opinionated and disaffected. Oh ho, but if it hasn't vehemently come back. Being finally plunged back into the world of analyzing, discovering ideas, reflecting on my own experiences, I have become that fearsome warrior of the English language.

I want to say I hate being the know-it-all, but...but I can't, yknow? It feels good again.

Let me be vain for a little bit. Just this once. There was a book we were supposed to read in my Human Rights Lit class, Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, and one week I was a little behind on the reading; of course that was the week we had our first quiz and I did pretty poorly, given as I hadn't read the chapters.

I felt really retarded, and figured the professor thought I was another idiot girl who never did the reading or couldn't comprehend the material (even though it was one of the easiest, above-the-surface books I have ready in a while). I even confessed to her that I had done badly on the quiz because I had gotten behind. She said something like "oh don't worry, it's pretty dense material and can be hard to get through". I was like wut no no no.

We were assigned a reading response based upon our findings in the novel. I decided to kick its ass to prove that I was indeed not retarded. I love writing papers. I'm weird like that. I can't even express how it feels to reflect and analyze on an idea--and not just every day, theme related ideas. I like thinking complexly and against the grain of the norm. I like playing devil's advocate. I can't help but view everything with multi-faceted dimensions. There is no clear cut here, no realm of absolutes. I guess that's what makes the being evolve, though. Adapting.

So I wrote what I thought was going to be a way-off-target paper since I basically called the author of the book (it was an autobiography) a giant liar. She was.

I like arguing different points and perspectives. I love the abstract world.

I later got an email from the professor praising me on my paper and gushing about how much she loved reading it, and she even asked me if I had considered becoming an English major. Once. No. She then asked if she could post my essay up on the class website to use as a model essay for other students. Sure. Apparently, according to her, this was one of the only papers she had ever read that had received a 100%. Felt pretty good about that. Unfortunately, in my attempt to be impressive, I set a very high bar for the rest of my work, so now I'll be expected to continue birthing insightful and breathtaking papers...which isn't gonna happen. So, that sucks.

In other news, I accidentally corrected the Writing Lab administrator on her spelling in front of my class. I felt really rude, but it was a reflex. Oops. I have been complimented many times by my teachers for my insight and understanding of classroom discussions and for my technical ability, and I am finally proud of that. It sounds horribly vain, but it is also the crux of my life; I love learning, I crave knowledge and discovery--realizing and acting upon ideas that have never been uttered before. How is this not exciting to everyone? I can't wait to breathe this yearning into the shells of my young learners' ears.

Continue evolving. Expand your perspectives and thoughts, and be fiercely strong in all aspects of your life.

I feel like my life is a constant battle between wanting things like this

And wanting things like this 

Reasons to be kind

I often like to reflect on my actions and words and why I do them--mainly emphasizing on how I treat others. What is the reasoning behind the way I act, and am I making life easier or harder for others?

Something I've really been focusing on lately is the importance of being kind to those you don't necessarily like, even if they do not reciprocate or even aggressively attack you. It's been years and years since I've last cried over something others have said to and/or about me; I just no longer feel the pangs of insults by others, because I know that people are mean for a reason--jealousy, inner sadness, having a bad day, fitting in, etc--and I've realized it's not worth it to jeopardize my happiness just because someone is having a bad day. 

I guess you could say I'm a little calloused from dealing with rude words over the years; I no longer care what people say about me. The good or the bad. I'm like that little Wemmick that no stickers could attach to. My belief is that you truly are happy when neither stars nor dots can define you. *

People are mean out of sarcasm, like it's some kind of funny joke to tease another. It's not. This is something I've always tried to stay away from; sarcasm is the cruelest use of words, because it celebrates another's suffering. I've seen enough cruelness and jokes made out of other people's individuality. I used to be pretty sarcastic, and then I realized how completely unfunny I sounded. Making fun of weight, age, or whom someone is dating, what their hobbies are--people make jokes out of all of this. How is any of that funny? Sarcasm is a bad plague that needs to be eliminated, because no one looks cool being mean.

Being kind to strangers is not enough--saying nice things to people we like is not enough--making a difference means communicating with only care, love, and inspiration to everyone. No life is made better by cruel thoughts. My goal is to stop thinking negatively about others--AND myself! It's easy enough--stop saying mean things. About anyone. To anyone. 

*If you've never read You Are Special by Max Lucado, you really should! It's supposed to have some religious theme, but I think every person needs to hear the message on criticism and letting go. 

mmmm I'm wanting this so hard right now

I'll follow you into the dark

So many things have happened since my beautiful winter wedding (a big post all about the wedding is coming soon). We knew it was a good omen when the snow started falling in heavy sheets of frosting during our reception. How whimsical and fairytale-like it was to drive away with my new husband in a world covered with innocent perfection.

We went to my cabin in McCall for our honeymoon, and it was absolutely spectacular. Every day we got the wood stove burning and there was like, four feet of snow on the ground. We went sledding and trekking a lot, but to be honest we played a lot of video games. Unfortunately Ethan got pretty sick toward the end so we left a little sooner than expected.

On the last morning of our honeymoon, however, only two days before we were supposed to leave on our grand adventure back to the state of NC, I finally brought up the topic we had both been thinking heavily upon but never really conveyed aloud. Why were we moving back? What were we going back to? We decided then and there that moving back to Idaho State would probably be more prudent than moving back to NC. Why?

The music department at AppState was phenomenal. They cared about Ethan and me, they saved my scholarship and studio spot for two semesters and were in constant contact with me about anything they could help me with. Dr. Park was of course the best counselor for advice anyone could ask for. Unfortunately it was the University that was giving us such grief. First of all, their requirements for becoming an in-state resident were crazy. You basically had to give them your kidney to qualify. Becoming a resident at all in NC is incredibly difficult (unlike becoming one in Idaho haha). Secondly, they lost my letter of deferment from the semester before, so while I spent a few months believing I was still accepted to the university, in reality they had lost it and therefore had thrown away all of my records.

I spoke to a distance counselor (who was quite rude), and she told me to reapply and send in all of my transcripts, and that there was still room for transfer students. So I reapplied, filled out my transcripts from Idaho State and AB Tech, and waited for my letter. Only apparently the school didn't have time to wait for my AB Tech transcript to come in (the semester hadn't ended yet, so the school couldn't send it until final grades were posted). So basically I had been screwed from the beginning of that process, seeing as the school couldn't wait for that last transcript. After me writing a fairly curt and snappy email, I received no more communication from the University.

So yeah. We got pretty screwed. And in the end, we decided that spending all of our money to travel across the country for a school we weren't even sure we could get into was not as desirable as it once had been. We also realized that, besides Ethan's parents in NC, the majority of the important people in our lives live here. And sure, graduate school we'll travel somewhere else and leave Idaho, but for now all that we love is around here--my five sisters and all of their children, my parents and grandparents, our loving friends and teachers--we need all of you. I no longer feel scared about my immediate future plans because we were coming home to welcoming arms and financial stability (the latter is especially important).

In the end, financially and educationally, we decided it was better to stay here at ISU. Ethan literally just had to walk up to the financial aid office, say that he was married to a resident, and his out-of-state tuition immediately waived. I can't believe the stark difference between the two schools. One school didn't care about me at all (save the music department); it was like they didn't want me to go to the school at all (even though I have a pretty good GPA). ISU on the other hand, was fantastically accepting and within great communication.

The only difference from the last time we attended is that I'm no longer a music major!! I still have a minor in music, but I decided to take a route that I have wanted (and been told incessantly by others) to go down. I am now entering the program for Elementary Education with an emphasis in English. Hurray! I'm still going to perform with the symphony and maybe get a double minor in piano performance. This probably means that I'm going to be in college for forever...but this is really what I want to do.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that all I want to do is teach; I want to make a difference in someone's life so they have assurance that they can do anything. All it takes is one person to convince another that they are good enough, that they can work hard and love others and do the best they can. I want to inspire others as I have been inspired. My heart goes out so deep to those who love to teach and raise such wonderful and bright students. I also feel like I am the type of person that can really make a difference in someone's life, I work well with others, and I love seeing change for the better.

It also helps that I used to teach art in an elementary classroom, and that I have been a nanny for every kind of child you can possibly imagine. I really have the kid thing down, to be honest. I understand them. I love them because I can teach them. And I love them because they are excited to learn.

So anyway, Ethan and I are back in Idaho for our undergraduate degrees. Graduate schools are a few years away, which gives us more time to set up financial stability and have a relatively stress-free beginning to our marriage. And of course the moment we return we get something like eight feet of snow. Welcome back!

We just moved into this tiny fully furnished 500 sq ft apartment. It's darling but it needs some serious decor. Which brings me to another conundrum. Sooo because we decided at the last minute to move back to Idaho, we seemed to have left LITERALLY ALL OF OUR POSSESSIONS in North Carolina. Luckily his parents live there so they can slowly ship it over to us, but ughhhh I only brought about two weeks worth of clothing. All of my painting supplies, all of our cool nerd paraphernalia, my books, and Ethan's giant TV were all left on the other side of the country. We do have all of our great wedding gifts which have been incredibly essential in our new home, but that still leaves out all of our books, paintings, posters, etc. to be rescued.

My parents are thrilled, and I can finally be the best aunt that I've always wanted to be. I would hate to be the distant aunt who is only seen once every other year (traveling back and forth is tortuously expensive). I am so happy that I can once again be a big part of their lives.

Truthfully, I think we needed that semester off, to clear our heads of the past and return to a fresh new land with the snow innocently covering the tracks we once made at this school

PS Here's a cool drawing I did as we've been settling in. 

It was requested by the lovely miss Emma Doupe

The Vow

Some people come into our lives only as whispers,

weaving themselves through the patchwork of our lives,

creating stitches of memories, but escaping as nothing but echoes of the past.

Some people are inexorably taken from us far too soon, while some enter and leave our lives with no other purpose but to make us stronger.

There are some people who are only whispers passing through, but more important are the ones who sing the song of our hearts until the end.

You have been the strongest chord in the song of my heart, and I promise to always cherish your voice as it plays in my life.

I promise to love you unconditionally, with sincere admiration and the deepest loyalty.

I promise to never let the voice of my love turn to a whisper, even when times are dark and I feel quiet.

I promise to be by your side no matter where it takes me, for I am now permanently woven into your life and will follow you wherever you go.

I promise to always be your best friend, to devote my life to building our fierce friendship and remaining weird with you for all time.

I promise to lift you up and be your support, to do all I can to help you become the person you were always meant to be.

I promise to love you with more passion and tenderness than could ever be fathomed. Countless are the reasons I love you, and every day that I am with you I discover an even deeper meaning to my love. You are the reason I have become the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. You are my new reason and purpose in life. You will be my everything, all of my heart and my mind and my actions, my love and  my best friend, for the rest of my life. 

December 29 2012