First of all, RIP Neil Armstrong. I look up to you for your courage and your passion for adventuring, and you are truly an inspiration to the entire planet.
What would it be like, to know another object in space so intimately; to walk on its curves and embrace its crevices as you stare down, mesmerized by the minute blue planet shining so ominously in the dark of space. You look down, and for a second you forget all of the pain, the heartache, the greed and horror of politics, the death and bloodshed our history has witnessed. You look down, and you see beauty--the cobalt blue of the sea, the swirling clouds that form our atmosphere--what a treasure. If only we could all view our planet the way Neil Armstrong did, immortalized; frozen in the relative time among the billions and billions of stars and galaxies. How beautiful life is. How beautiful it could be if we all could view Earth with the eyes of an adventurer, a globe suspended in darkness--the only (so far) shining unit that supports life. Life.
I don't fear the world. I don't fear the people or the politicians or the military. I fear myself. I fear that I will never see the world without the glare of pessimism. How do I teach myself to look with the eyes of an adventurer? The world is not a terrible place. Once you take yourself out of the misery, it really glows with opportunity. We should all see the world, and ourselves, for the potential. I want brand new perspective, not skewed by some television show teaching me how to "Really live your life, which means stop giving a crap what people think and stop wearing makeup and bras and only care about what you think about yourself". That is TERRIBLE advice. I seriously cannot punctuate that enough. Are you kidding? I care what other people think. That's all we are, a conglomeration of snippets we gain from others. We are everything put into one body.
I don't get my perspective or judgement from motivational books or television shows. I abhor people who base their self-worth on what a stupid book tells them to think. Girls that watch those self-help television shows where they interview celebrities on how they learned to love themselves--really? Really? Love what you can become. Not because of some stupid quote Marilyn Monroe said.
I love myself because I CREATED myself. After all of my terrible mistakes and actions I scraped the parts and built myself anew. I learn from the bad and take what is good. I finally like myself. Do you know how rare that is? I fake to no one, yet I still care greatly about what they think, and I am respectful. But I will never act a certain way to please anyone.
I once had someone say that they hated girls like me who "acted like guys". Do people really believe in gender-specific interests? Is that a thing? It's so nonsensical that people can judge another based on their interests and hobbies. Besides, life is hard enough for all of us at it is--we all know that--yet, even with the knowledge that life sucks for everyone, we go out of our way to make it more difficult for those around us. We gossip, we're insincere, we poke fun and are sarcastic, we mock; but why? Why would we make life harder for someone--does it actually make us feel better to put others down?
I like me. I like that I'm a somewhat attractive girl who loves makeup and cute underwear but can kick peoples' asses on World of Warcraft, MTG, or regurgitating useless knowledge. I play D&D and "fit in with the guys" better than with girls. I like it that way, in my experience girls are catty and selfish. I'm more of a dude than I am a girl. But I still enjoy looking pretty. I don't care at all that a lot of "nerdy people" think I care too much about my looks, or that pretty girls think I "act too much like a guy". I made me. And I like me.
I like being weird, and I like being pretty. I like not caring what other people think I should be like. I have built myself from the skeletons of my past, and I look to a brighter future where I can brave the world with my chin up. Loving yourself is scary.
Don't love yourself because of some quality you have, or something you're good at. If you pick a specific trait you think is special, your self-image is going to fluctuate; ie. me being good at art. Sure, I'm good at it fairly consistently, but am I going to hate myself if I put out a terrible painting? What if I base myself on how popular I am or how skinny I am? It's silly to build your happiness on some physical trait or talent. So, how can you find something solid to hold onto? Well, guess what, I'm still working on that. I like myself because I look back at who I was and I see a change. I see a happiness. And I worked for it.
I want to look at myself like Earth from the moon. Free from all of the ugly and horror that really exists--not ignore it--but view it like a beautiful orb traveling in the darkness midst stars and nebulae and star stuff. I want to be an adventurer of myself, searching my own crevices and celebrating the new knowledge I discern in my journey. Build something new in myself, something I know to be good. I must forget my demons, build myself from the skeletons of the past. I want to see myself as a beautiful world free from flaws. Free from people trying to change me, trying to tell me how I should act and pretend I don't care what other people think. How to be beautiful by not caring about others. But I do care. I care about myself, and I care about others.
Earth is beautiful.
I made a double batch of pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies, and I plan on eating basically all of them. I watched a lot of Lord of the Rings today, painted more dice, and started on my new project: a big staff I made by cutting down a sapling--I plan on wood-burning the whole thing with elvish and mtg and skyrim stuff. Should be pretty neat when it's done.
Pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies (single batch):
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 egg
2 cups flour (I use 1 cup whole wheat and 1 cup regular)
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon milk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
Mix the pumpkin, sugar, oil, egg in a large bowl. Combine the flour, baking powder, cinnamon in another bowl, and add dissolved mixture of baking soda and milk. Add in vanilla and chocolate chips and mix well. Bake at 375F for 10 minutes or until delicious looking.
These will be spongy like a cake and orgasmic. Don't overcook them! They're supposed to be cakey!
Pumpkin cookies are my go-to comfort food. And so perfect for autumn.
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