Okay, I'll face it candidly. I, Rebecca Almond, am homesick.
I miss Idaho, and I miss my familiar lifestyle. Sure, other people have moved across the country and lived out fabulous and wonderful lives, but I guess I'm different. Maybe I became so used to the familiarity of who I was and what people expected of me that I assumed I would have the same reaction here.
But, is that really a bad thing? Or was it what I wanted all along? Was my true desire of moving across the country pressured by my desire to leave behind my demons? I often feel like a big motivating factor was my need to escape my mistakes and the people I had inflicted misery on. Maybe I wasn't trying to escape others' perception of me, maybe I was really just trying to escape the memories of my past self. To escape myself. I'd like to think that my freshman year of college can be scrapped up as a mulligan year, but let's be honest, some wounds are too deep and some memories too strong. But what it comes down to is I'm running away from my past self. I'm scrapping up who I was and finally kicking it out. I'm ready to be who I want to be. I want to start over with a new canvas and a new palette to splatter upon.
"You never step in the same river twice"
Maybe that's what moving out and moving on is about. It's not about relocating yourself to a new location. It's about evolving and creating a new persona in a new land--I am not, nor will ever be, the same person I was. I can no longer rely on my past qualities and expect to get the same results. We have to mold ourselves around new surroundings to test the waters to how people react to us. It takes a true test of confidence to determine which of our qualities are positive and which are hurting our quest to personal freedom. There are some of the cornerstone qualities--reliable, personable, vehement, dedicated---these are qualities that define who I am. I have molded these attributes into myself and can rely on them to keep me true on my journey.
But what about the other idiosyncrasies? Did I leave the old Rebecca behind in Idaho?
I think this is the most alarming aspect of my move across the country; who am I now? So cliche sounding, but really. Do I need to create a new identity? What would you do if suddenly you had a chance to start completely over? I need to think hard about this. What qualities do I love about myself? Do I miss some of those traits that made me a likable person? I relied on a lot of personality to get what I wanted; I feel like I have a pretty good social personality. I like how I can attract certain people. But there are definitely some I have discarded--some I have promised to never bring out again. This point is especially true when you have another person bound to you. I am no longer an "I", I am a "we"; this means that the qualities that screwed up all of my past relationships must be immediately discarded. But, what about some of those personal traits that brought him to me in the first place? It's a very fine line to walk between being personable and being...too personable.
I really do like me. And I'm still striving towards my ultimate goal of my own inner peace. But if I'm to build a foundation of personal freedom from hurtful qualities I need to pick what are my truly positive attributes and which ones are harmful. That includes self-deprecation; sarcasm can be funny and witty, but there's a fence between witty and flat-out negative. It's hard for me to see the difference, but so far I haven't seen any negative consequences. That also includes letting go.
Letting go. That's the hardest and truest aspect. That's what this move can be narrowed down to. I am letting go of an entire life---not just lifestyle. I am ready to get some new pages bent and torn, some new dog-ears in this chapter of my adventure. I will come to terms with my future mistakes, but I won't look back and harbor the old ones. I loved the ones I loved, but I can't take back the hurt. I can promise to change. I can promise to be different, and that's all. Happiness can be chalked up to letting go of past chains and moving on to make a change. Inhale the new, exhale the old. Change what must be changed, but forget what you can no longer control. If I can learn to find happiness---and feel like I deserve happiness--anyone can. I swear. At first it's an effort to identify what is missing in your life and what is harboring your inner peace; but soon it will become easy as breathing. Make a change.
Inhale. Exhale.
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