Chin up

There's been a lot of messy things I've been thinking about lately, and it really all stemmed from an observation Ethan made about my eating habits. He was poking fun at the fact that I'm content with eating a quesadilla every single night for dinner; and I responded by saying I'm actually pretty content eating the same thing for every meal every day: yogurt or cereal for breakfast, celery and a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, snacks of apples or some fruit, and quesadilla for dinner (with obviously popcorn for after dinner). I like to think it's because I'm no longer a food driven person. My day doesn't really revolve around what I'm going to eat next (although at one time it did).

But, the more I thought about it, the more I asked myself "Am I really that boring? Has my life become such that I'm complacent to eat and do the same thing every day? Birth school work death?" It's unfathomably true. I miss the days of fullness and adventure that I once had--it's ironic that I lived in the same place my whole life and found many adventures and happiness, but when I moved across the country (thinking that I would find some huge adventure to explore and create a new identity) I've become really...insipid. It's embarrassing to admit that I'm no longer the vivacious bubbly girl I once was. I'm weird. I'm awkward. I go to work, school, come home, eat, practice or plan wedding stuff, watch Breaking Bad or play video games, workout, and then go to sleep. Repeat. 

What has become of me? Why has my insatiable desire for a full life suddenly run empty? 

I look too much into the past and now I'm sliding backwards. I was on top, shining brightly with so much potential and desire--so what's happened to it? Maybe I burned out from all of that energy. Maybe I've become so drugged that all of my exceptional ambition have been stomped out by heavy prescriptions. I can never have balance, can I? It must be crazy or dull. Ambitious or lazy. And sadly enough, I can't tell which I'd rather trade--sanity or effulgence. 

It's a fight between the selves, really. If you've ever read "The Inner Game of Music" by Barry Green (which everyone should, no matter if he or she is a musician), he talks a lot about the different "selves" which we all possess. The first self, "Self One", is our inner dialogue, our everyday voice that chatters incessantly about our downfalls, successes, decisions--basically everything you think to yourself is your "self one" directing you. It contains our concept about how things should or shouldn't be, or how things could have been.  Self  Two, on the other hand, is our "unthinking state"; this is the state of being that lives in the now, that knows its own potential and wants to be awakened. It contains our natural talents and abilities, and it is an unlimited resource that we can develop. How do you become aware of your Self Two without using Self One? Can we find freedom without using the chains that keep us from it? We must become aware of our unthinking state--this is the sensation we feel the minute we wake up, still slightly in our sleep cycle, or the unawareness we have when we are sick--and not kick it to the floor with the constant chatter in our minds...which I am constantly doing obviously. Self One is not just negative thinking, either. It is any praise, any criticism, any distraction from our current state of being. It is anything and everything that hinders us from our true potential--freedom from the mess that is ourselves. Self Two is the self that will give us inner peace. It won't direct or complain or change us. It lives and performs in the now. This is how we find peace within ourselves. Not from Self One. 

This is the heart of Taoism. If any of you knew me, I dabbled in Taoism for a while. I read the Tao te Ching and the books that accompanied it. I strove so hard to delve into the pages and find the meaning of why I was unhappy. I used too much of Self One trying to explore my Self Two. This was and is my bane. I think too much and try too hard to change my present state. 

And so here I am again. About to start another brave journey into myself to undercover the reasons for my unhappiness.  I want to find what is hindering my personal progress and what I can do to go beyond my self and into the realm of freedom. I want to be happy and positive, and it should be easy. It seems to come easy to others. I want to see myself for what I can become, not for what I was. I know I was great once. The true test is whether or not I can become that once again. 

Inhale. Exhale. Chin up.